A Life Wasted

holding sand in the hand ....

(The revised version)

 

I stood on the edge, I saw the world fade;
The darkness alluring, the daylight aubade.

All joys that I had, gone forever ... dead;
The friends I once had, gone too far ahead ...

The things I possess, the might they had been;
My judgement Solomon's; my sense thought so keen.
The books on my shelves, best friends did they seem,
Can't bring that desired most, can never they redeem.

Words out of this mouth, voice of authority
So full of confidence, never in uncertainty,
I was ever listened to, my thoughts like telepathy,
The needy saw kindness, the hurt - sympathy.

I thought once more of the face I loved, as the light faded away,
The days I spent talking to her, the hours we chatted away,
So much did I want to tell her, oh why, why couldn't I find a way,
Slowly she drifted apart, we each on our own way.

The step I took forward, a step forbidden they say,
The ground no longer beneath me, the last ray showing the way -
As the sea came close all sparkling, the cover so dull and grey,
I thought this was how I had been, this is how I may ...

Author's Note

i had written it a couple of years ago with a mood well ... apt at that time .... the words fumbling type ...
it had been in my mind to make this more refined .... a better read ... but i guess you have to get out of that mood .. to let go a tiny bit of the instinctive jump to gain more maturity ...
and i guess it's high time i do that
thanks for the motivation Irfan and Mpotavin.

Reviews

[Irfan Shah]

You must have worked hard on the revision as it really sounds fine for me now. Thanks for sharing.

[Irfan Shah]

I agree what the first reviewer Mptovain said about the 3rd stanza. I also believe that it is a great piece and once the 3rd stanze is revised it will be a masterpiece. I specially liked the last stanza:

"The step I took forward, a step forbidden they say,
The ground no longer beneath me, the last ray showing the way -
As the sea came close all sparkling, the cover so dull and grey,
I thought this was how I had been, this is how I may..."

I have not read something so good in a long long time. Thanks for sharing.

[Mpotavin]

The rythmn is all over the place, watch your feet. This is almost a sonnet, but it stumbles every now and then. The second stanza is where this gets difficult to read, as you start breaking the rules of the English language. Please read this outloud. Anywhere that you can't read without fumbling the words will need to be redone. Like "The judgement I so proud of" this needs a verb like am. Consider writing in prose instead of verse.