band aids

This poem is about the moments you don't feel your best but you are capable of finding a distraction that helps you cope.

I don't feel so well.

I don't want to leave my surroundings though.

My weak body acts as a jail cell.

People stare without a clue.

Fingertips freezing,

I shelter myself.

Insides bleeding,

I wish I was in better health.

Pen in hand, I feel better again.

Paper at my disposal, I patch up another hole.

Author's Note

I have decided to rewrite this note because 30 views and no feedback looks ridiculous to me. Someone, please give me something to work with. I want to improve and I know there is a lot so if someone could point things out to me that would be great.

Reviews

[Nicolás Cardona]

Hey Rebekah,
I wouldn't take it personally when a piece doesn't get reviewed.
Here's how it measures up.

1. a 5 -//-/ 3/2
2. b 10 -//-//-/-/ 6/4
3. a 9 -//-/--// 5/4
4. c 7 /-/-/-/ 4/3

5. d 5 /-//- 3/2
6. a 5 -/-/- 2/3
7. d 4 -//- 2/3
8. a 8 -/-/-/-/ 4/4

9. ee 9 /-/-//--/ 5/4
10. f 14 /--/-/--/--/-/ 6/8

Firstly, it wouldn't be a bad idea to further develop this poem. In line 1 you state that you don't feel so well and in line 8 you mention a wish for better health. If you could perhaps give a few more details I think it will strengthen this piece. Same goes for line 3, how is it that your body acts like a jail cell exactly? If you tried to develop these ideas in more detail it will provide you with more ideas to connect and give you a chance to create more metaphors.

As far as the structure of the meter goes, I think there's an opportunity to hone it down a bit. Or else, if you intend to go the way of a freer verse I suggest abstaining from rhyme( and partial rhyme as well), if not, it would do this piece greater justice to regulate the accentuation and syllable counts per line.

Hope this helps a little

[Rebekah Cater]

Thanks for the review! I knew that the poem could use further development. I just didn't know where to start. Your review is very helpful!

[Nicolás Cardona]

You're very welcome.