Pleading the Fifth

to force yourself to be the victim- is to force everyone else to be your attacker

I am the victim of my own misfortune

I bind myself and cry out for help

I leave deep cuts on myself from the shards of my broken ambition

And I cry out for a savior

I cling to fleeting love so hard that my knuckles grow white and my hands begin to burn

I drown myself in tears and refuse to swim

I take all of the blame and isolate myself

I push you away for fear that you will leave me

I crave the touch of strange men because familiar touch is just as fleeting

I force my fingers down my throat so I can feel pretty

But hide my feelings behind the fear of an ugly heart

I crave you but hide behind the façade of disinterest

Afraid to reach for something remarkable because remarkable is something I am not

Crying out for someone to love me when I cannot even love myself

I am the destroyer of my own dreams

I invite the demons inside and yet scream when they appear

I yearn for the darkness of nightmares but frighten easily

Forcing myself to be lonesome but hating to be lonely

Teasing of seduction but in a world of isolation

Craving your touch but shrinking away when you come near

Praying that you will love me but never to a god above

I am the unraveling of my own ambitions

I fear that I will never achieve so I refuse to try

I dream to big and thus choose to not dream at all

I am so fearful of failing that I am unable to succeed

Allowing myself to become the supporting character in my own story

Refusing to regain the lead and sing my song

For fear of an inability to reach the notes

Choosing not to speak for fear of uttering that which is wrong

Afraid to be wrong becomes hiding from being right

I say I cannot live with myself

But who am I truly

The I who cannot live

Or the me who makes living impossible