SHE LEFT ME IN UTTRE DISAPPOINTMENT

HEART BREAK

SHE LEFT ME IN UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT

My mood swings and swings

My mind recalls some imaginary things

Still lost in thought

My eyes woke from an illusion

To behold

It was her,

The one with a perfect smile

Her shiny dress

Still looks the loveliest

Just as the old days

 

It was her indeed

My other half

The perfect girl

Whom I loved as hell

 

She looks there and there

Still with a lovely glee

I drew near and near

Still in a world of surprise

She might have something for me

A strong bond

Forgetting I was just a lowlife

With a foolish smile

Showing off with some colored sets of teeth

Waving my hands

Closing the distance with my racing feet

She stared,

My mind raced

She chose to neglect

Hurriedly casting her eyes off

To my surprise

She told me off

Still in a shock or pain

My legs are still

My eyes fidgeting

Till

My mind weakened

My heart broken

My legs weak

She coldly leaves

Leaving me in utter disappointment

Could the ground not have covered my shame

Eat my flesh

And take away my pain

 

Author's Note

found nothing even after searching deep in the mines of my dreams
what do you think?

Reviews

[DIVYA]

The last three lines are very powerful in expressing disappointment. This is a good story tumi and you chose some great words to convey the right feelings. We have all been rejected some time and it teaches us so much about life. Maybe, it's necessary to become better persons. Well done.

[Tumi]

thanks for the review divya

[DIVYA]

You're welcome tumi.

[JayG]

You’re saying things, yes. And they’re meaningful to you because in your mind lies the background that makes the words meaningful to you. But that story never made it to the page. There, instead of cause and effect, we get only effect. So what meaning does the reader have? What the words suggest to THEM, based on their life-experience, or, the context that you supply. And since you supply none, look at the words, and their meaning as the reader views it.

• SHE LEFT ME IN UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT

So an unknown "she,' of unknown age, situation, and relationship, left someone of unknown gender, age, and situation. And in leaving this person was severely disappointed for unknown reasons.

What can the reader do, at this point, but say, “Huh?”

• My mood swings and swings

From what to what? You know, and you have intent for the meaning the reader is to take, but you give them nothing to work with. And clarifying later cannot remove the confusion they feel as they read your words.

• My mind recalls some imaginary things

“Some?” So, more than a one but less than “lots?” And what in the pluperfect hells are we to envision as those “imaginary things?” Dragons? Endless love? An honest politician? The list is endless. There is a world of backstory, characterization, and setting that would be both relevant and necessary. And for you they exist. So...you react to them, based on your experience, background, and intent — which-you-never-give-the-reader.

Absolutely, we write from our own chair, based on our life-experience and desires. But we MUST edit from the seat of a reader, one who lacks any context that the words don’t supply or suggest as those words are read, because without context the reader has only words in a row, meaning unknown. Confuse your reader for one line and they’re gone.

Read that book I suggested. The skills of poetry have been under development for centuries. Take advantage of that. As Wilson Mizner famously said: “If you steal from one author it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many it’s research.” So...research!
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

Sorry my news isn’t better. But you did ask. So...

[Tumi]

thanks for the review