Sweet Innocence

Sweet innocence,

Sealed with a kiss,

The long awaited moment to consider him hers,

The moment of truth,

When love is confessed,

Standing along with friends and family,

The new couple,family,friend,

Hoping the new groom doesn't see her fret,

Deep down inside she is fearful,

Not of him,

But terrified that something is in the way,

Dread that a family feud,

That of the trying times of her parents objecting,

She tries to hide her fear,

That her parent will dis-own her,

And she tries to play the beautiful bride,

Afraid to hurt the one she loves most,

She knows she has to make a huge sacrifice,

One of the ultimate,

She knows that she has to cut someone out of her life,

She loves her family dearly,

However she loves her groom,

Struggling to choose,

Who to give up,

She gives up her family,

As she ponders the decision more closely,

She begins to cry,

For because of this sacrifice,

Her mother will never be able to meet her grand child

Reviews

[ValyrieKiennan]

This piece is packed with emotion, however I feel there is also a lot of room for improvement! The first lines could be clarified a little more; are you talking about the marriage kiss at the end of the ceremony? Or love's first kiss? The more specific you are here, the greater the image created in the eye of the reader. The internal fears of the bride are an interesting place to explore, however the lines here are quite convoluted. When you say "dread that a family feud", this is a sentence fragment that lies unattached to either the preceding line, or the one that follows it. I would suggest reading this piece out loud to see where other narrative/poetic gaps lie. The notion of sacrifice that you raise in the second last line is also interesting, however the reader is not given any idea of what the sacrifice entails, or why she is isolated. Elaboration here could succeed in drawing the reader further into the narrative world you have constructed. Make a character (or characters) that the reader can empathize with, or at the very least find interesting. This piece has great potential; I am excited to see what you will do with it!

Cheers,

VK

[Sarah]

thank you for the constructive criticism, thanks i will take your comments to fix my work.

[ValyrieKiennan]

Lovely to hear; I eagerly await your edits!

Cheers,

VK

[Sarah]

i hope you like the new changes:)

[ValyrieKiennan]

Stunning changes - this piece is much more well-fleshed out now! However, I do think that by breaking up the wall of text into stanzas (sections of several lines of poetry) the meaning could be enhanced. For example, it might be prudent to have a space in between the lines "the new couple, family and friend" and the following line. Breaks such as this will enhance the changes in the poem's narrative structure and make things easier for your reader to digest!

[Sarah]

i just took your advice and changed it, what do you think?

[ValyrieKiennan]

Absolutely lovely. Now the only things to tweak would be capitalization - it should be added to the first word of each stanza, and then of course at any point following a period. Some writers like the look of capitalizing the beginning letter of each line, and this is entirely up to your preference.

[Toki-Bunny]

That was beautiful... such emotion all put into a small poem... amazing, absolutely amazing

[Sarah]

thank you for your kind words