Dry Mouth

As quickly as  your tide came in
your feelings trickled out
A dripping faucet; out of order
No sound from your spout
You'll never rise to the occasion
If you drown in the unspoken; sink yourself in fear
Float with me!
Where mind meets sea; thoughts like water
crystal clear
Beneath the surface of your skin, running in vein
Crimson waves of bloody pain
from not speaking your heart
Bleed feelings; cry tears
Drain yourself
Sprinkles to splashes; sea of silence and ashes
You've dried up your river bed

Reviews

[Pete Langley]

OK Keely, I could leave this piece alone - but that won`t help you.
First, you have to make up your mind what sort of poem you`re gonna write- if it has a rhyme it has to have metre - it has to scan. If it doesn`t scan, every rhyme will appear forced - even if it isn`t. So then, if you decide on a prosaic piece and follow your theme (in this case your theme is a good one) the next taboo is hackneyed phrases and worn out metaphors, so think of new ways (and words) to say the same thing. There`s one very good line that could have been the basis of your poem...."You`ve dried up your river bed" Go to it, lass, You`ll do it! P.

[quinfinn]

now, excuse me for butting in here, but that is how constructive criticism is done properly! no insults, no stabs, just good advice given as a helpful and generous gesture. good on ya , Pete!!!!!

[Pete Langley]

Take no notice!!! I talk a load of crap!!P.

[quinfinn]

yes, perhaps...but politely!

[Pete Langley]

I`m the least polite person I know!

[quinfinn]

somehow, i doubt that.....that was a nice review..

[KeelyJane]

I agree. :) Thank you so much.

[Frieda P]

You've poured your heart out on the page here....very telling piece of work.

'Where mind meets sea; thoughts like water'

Sounds like poetry to me...nice one Keely.

Question, what the heck did you ever do to Chris? ;-)

[PL Fremmie]

Incredible imagery. "Crimson waves of bloody pain". Good poem. Thx for sharing and nice to meet you!. ;)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Another flowing and emotive piece of writing Keely. Some lovely expressions and full use of the water metaphor in all its 'guisers' lol