Shower Sleep

[Published in Regis University's Apogee 2011]

turn on the torrent
as I slide down the glass
my bare flesh sticking slightly
resisting the urge to sleep


my skin shuggers
as my naked thighs rest
on the tile
drawing my knees to my chin
closing my eyes to the rain
the water tastes my flesh
dripping from my collarbones
and curving around my breasts
heaving as they do
resisting the acid erosion
this water melts me down
and carries me down the drain


through the pipes
covered as they are
with the refuse with all the sin we cleanse of ourselves
clogging up the plumbing
with all the bullshit
that we’ve forced underground
out of sight
not out of mind
to the sewers
where all this s**t collides
raising to Heaven such a stench of depravity
that God Himself holds His nose
a swirling swamp
of broken bottles
and shards of shattered dreams
dripping with the venom of half-used syringes
and soiled clothing, reeking of sex
tossed into this wasteland
too sickening to ignore and
yet we do 

I can see you turn your faces
even as I drain about the filth
washed out to this dump
in my desperate attempt to be clean 

and the rain falls again
slapping my face
releasing me from the oppressive heat
created by our corruption
and I float back up the pipes
in a wave
the polluted water of my being
finding a way to coalese
gasping into a wide-eyed girl
her white skin gray with filth
against the purity of the tile
marked red by time
her honesty shamed
by the transparency of the rain 

I grab the glass walls
and force myself to stand
slam the water off
and sob into my hands

there is no getting clean
from this

Reviews

[jerry atrixx]

You suffer from MDD too huh? This poem is a clear indication. You are very talented. Keep writing please.

[Amber Koneval]

Major Depressive Disorder? Actually, I don't. I am autistic, which sometimes manifests in what appears to be depression due to the disconnect of my neurotype to the general views of the public.

I connect 'water', and particularly 'showers' to my anger very clearly because of my own idea of what 'showers' bring- a stinging and horrible pain, due to my aversion to water on my face and the texture of shower water. I do the same thing with eyes- eyes always mean 'fear' for me, because I hate looking at people's eyes. So to go into a shower with the pre-idea that I'm going to think... I've got to be pretty angry. I also never cry when I am sad. I only cry when I'm pissed off about something. So here, I'm not sad- though that's a pretty common reading of this poem. I'm actually furious.

[jerry atrixx]

Gotcha. That is really fascinating actually. I am fascinated by human psyche and related disorders and anomalies

[Amber Koneval]

No kidding! I always tend to be surprised at what people will come up with for as 'meanings' for my poems, because the associations in my head for common symbols, i.e. eyes and falling water, are oddly opposite for me. Not that either reading is bad, but it makes me fascinated by how much really hinges on a) knowing the poet's life and b) the meaning of conceits that are never clarified within the poem.

So while this poem may be about the crippling spiral of depression with someone who is allistic, as an autistic it is a social justice poem- the kind that is heralded with 'water' in my own head as clearly as if I had used a conceit with weaponry. I think the exploration of that can really generate some awesome discussion about the links between those two things.