my sweet revenge

i am a man with dignity an honour
taken off by effeminate beings
deprived in insolence and dejection
resulting to rivalry and retaliation

a secret plan was made
in the collision with the former Quaker
sweet destruction must be the penalty
for the breakage of amity and insult they have done

the nightfall came and the fulfillment of the revenge will be cooked
an invitation i sent for us to have a supper
but they don't know that this will be their last meal
a trap i prepared for them to deal with the darkness

a venom in their meal i have imposed
for their body to be rotten
comparison can do nothing, against my extreme displeasure
adios my dear friends, for at last i have done my sweet revenge

there they writhing in pain, slowly choking and catching their breaths
i can only smile for such a violent bloody end
i can never be more satisfied but now
and so, i turned off th T.V. and went to bed

Reviews

The ending made me laugh. :) Great job!

[Dan Ryoma]

I liked the playful ending. However, because of it, I would have liked to have seen rhyming and some clever wording to accompany the clever plot. Also, the grammatical errors in this piece detracted from it somewhat. There was also lines that didn't seem to make sense. For example line three. Things cannot be deprived in, but they can be deprived of. Also in line four, it sounds more fluid if it were 'resulting in rivalry and retaliation'. In the second line you said 'taken off by effeminate beings'. Was your dignity and honor taken off? If so then I would choose a better word than taken. It seems too easy to just take something as difficult to remove as dignity and honor. In the last line in the third stanza I would remove 'with the darkness' on account of it making little sense. The first line in the last stanza; it should be 'there they writhed' or 'there they are writhing'. The second to last line; instead of but it should be 'than'. I'm not sure if that is all of them. Once the punctuation is more clear, I can get a better idea of what is wrong. I also wasn't fond of the fact that the last line lacked a formalness that you created in all the lines preceding it. In conclusion, this poem needs some clean up, but I liked the story it carried with it.

[nono]

Truly just one of a kind!

[Ian Faraway]

Uh, my only complain on this poem is that the font kind of hurt my eyes, but I'm guessing it's just me. Anyways, great poem!

[Randolf Ramos]

Something brutally authentic and poetic! Great wisdom here!

[Tears Forgotten]

hahaha wow that was a surprising twist. This is amazing.. I love it! keep writing!!!!