when you and me

When you and me alone in the cell

       Everything around just goes to hell

        Just you in me and me in you

        Everything of mine is just for you…..

 

         When you and me sit aside

         Our goals are just kept aside

          Theirs a side I want to hide

         Keep you always in my side      

 

         When you and me under an open sky

          There is only one thing I want to try

         Just hold your hands and fly the sky

          But you don’t wane even try

 

         Only one thing I want to say 

          You and me are still away

          How can we overcome by the way

           There is a way please let me say

 

          When you and me alone in the rain

          Our hearts beats like a running train

          You are the one whom I want to gain

          And just take away all your pain……..

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your word crafting, rhyme, & rhythm are good, especially for a younger person who probably hasn't had as much practice in poetic construction. Stanzas 2, 3, & 4, an end-rhyming word is repeated, so I encourage you to try an online rhyming tool to find more options, that way you don't have to repeat a rhyming word.

As I read this, I get the idea that the narrator is trying to convince an unwilling beloved other person. I like the way you use a different theme for each stanza -- being inside, going outside, being in the rain, etc. I feel the narrator's urging quite strongly, but I feel this message could be more balanced if we also felt the beloved's reluctance more strongly thru-out the message.

[Vedant Rao]

thank you for your review,i will try my best to improve in the fields i need to improve

[barleygirl]

It sounds like you've taken my suggestions just right . . . not that you need to rework this poem, but just to remember some of these ideas as you continue to write new poems. Practice is the best way to improve! *smile*

[horizon]

Rhyming is very nice..but only one thing "fly in the sky" add in..otherwise the poem have a bounce to its recitation cheerful...young love...sweet poetry...

[Onyia-Ali, Kingsley Chu..]

Wow! Well articulated feelings of belongingness of the two lovers of which one is more desperate while the other seems hestating. I liked the bold step the speaker took and the rhyme. Well done, Rao.

[Vedant Rao]

thanks bro for your review ;-)

[Jade]

This is really good like your rhyming scheme a lot too