Courage

A Story by Manoj Krishna

A love story

I was cursing myself as I took a sharp left at the crossroad and accelerated forward, with showers of abuses fading in the background. The hot air pressing my face created a burning sensation while my heart was already in residue. Things were planned perfectly for the day but I lacked the substance. I was a coward back there, I thought. That I didn’t get anything I craved for in all these years, created a kind of insecurity that engulfed me and I restrained myself. I am a complete loser and I started to hate myself. With responsibilities piled up in front and the way I am carrying my life created an ultimate desperation.

She was there, laughing, smiling, winking, and flirting. She was happy. Why would a girl of such a calibre, love someone like me? She has been a good friend to me. She is in good books of my parents too. What if I propose and she rejects? She will stop talking with me which I couldn’t even dream of. My parents will definitely come to know about this. I will be the topic for at least one week in my college and I should deal with overwhelming cynic comments from people who are glad to see me suffer. I will have sympathy which I hate, from my friends. I haven’t disclosed my feelings for her, even to my friends.

I parked my bike in front of my house and went inside. It was dark and gloomy. No one was inside. Just like my soul. In my study table, there was a sticky note which read “We are attending a condolence and I will be back late. Have your dinner and sleep. We have spare keys.” I picked a book from the cupboard and skimmed through the pages. It was internals the next day. More than that, I wanted to distract myself. After one and half hour, I went to the coffee shop for a refreshing drink. As I do every day, I decided to propose her tomorrow. On my walk back to home, I saw a dog, fragile and skinny, trying to protect her pup from intruders, the street dogs. It was sure to any cognitive brain that, the dog will lose the fight. Even she would’ve known that. But I didn’t see any fight coming up. The street dogs walked away. Strange is the way nature is coined, I thought, as I walked home.

The incident left me transfixed in my couch, immersed in thoughts. I wondered what made that weak dog turn up against those bulls. I was sure it should have felt fear. Then what made her act like the way she did? It reframed the definition of strength. I realised it was for the love of pup that made her win. Strong are the ones who are in love. Strong are the ones who put their life at stake for a purpose. I knew it was a message to me from heaven and I was glad that I had interpreted. I slowly smiled. I knew why. I knew what’s going to happen tomorrow.

The exam got over and I was waiting in the parking lot where I asked her to meet after college. Everyone left and as I saw her approaching there, that moment, was absolute solitude. Even in amidst of crowd, I would have felt the same. The moment I saw her in closer proximity, I forgot all I had prepared the previous night. It didn’t matter now anyway. Our eyes met and my heartbeat would’ve crossed the upper threshold. My entire body was drenched in sweat. She was perplexed and raised her eyebrow asking “What’s the matter with you?” With every bit of air I had in my lungs, I opened my mouth and “Ritu…” as I exhaled. She barely heard that and said “I’m sorry?” Taking another breath and with fists clutching hard to my bike’s handle bar, I whispered “I’m in love with you!” For a moment, it was like the space and time ceased to exist. I was not sure how my body language was. I hoped I didn’t make any awkward face. I was not sure whether she heard this. But her face expression says she did, I thought, as I stared at her expressionless face. My legs trembled and I was about to collapse. “Krishna, I didn’t expect this. I don’t know what to say. Give me some time.” These words were ringing in my ears as I saw her walking away. I drove my way back to home.

I took my mobile and opened whatsapp. I saw her ‘online’. After 15 minutes I checked again and it was the same. Maybe she is discussing with her friend. I thought of texting her but as I typed ‘hi..’, I decided against that. I kept my mobile aside. Picked a novel and started reading. After finishing my dinner, I checked my mobile and there was a message. “Oh God! A message! From Ritu!!!” I exclaimed. It read “Good Night”. Well, I didn’t see that coming. Is she kidding? How can girls be so cruel? She, anyone for that matter, know I cannot sleep. But why? I was restless as I skimmed through Quora. As an attempt to calm myself, I took a walk, tried watching some movies, in vain. I lay sleepless in bed, staring at the fan and fading lights of automobiles in my window as it passed through the street. The next morning, I texted ‘Good day’ expecting it to be one, to her. We didn’t speak in college. As usual, I waited in the parking area but she was nowhere to be found. The inevitable happened, I thought. I suppressed all my feelings and was about to start my bike when I noticed a card, half projected out of the tank cover. I was scared to be happy now. Trying hard to stop guessing, I pulled the card out. It was unusually plain in the front. White, her favourite colour was not disturbed by any fancy decoration. My shivering hands opened it and it read…

“Courage is what you do when you don’t have confidence”

Love, Ritu.