Sad day

Going down the stairs with my foot aching and begging me to stop walking, I land myself into my friends' class.Nothing sort of different,I just go to their class to feel like 'home',I go their to just meet my friends.Atleast now I just go there with the intent of meeting my friends.In the past their class would feel like my home,now it is just my friends that feel like home.Their class doesnt seem to embrace me anymore.

As I enter their cheerful,chaotic,fun classroom I am greeted by a group of excited teenages dressed in sarees and a teacher who adores me the least.Everyone around me smiling like there is no tomm and laughing and giggling as if they are on a date.(I don't know how it is to feel like to be on a date but according to me a date makes you laugh and giggle)I put on the fabricated personality the one I have specially curated for those kids the joyful,fearless,fun,cool girl personality and greet them happily.

I dont like my class I feel very alone there,so I always take refuge in my friends' class.But that day was different.

As I walked into their class I noticed how one of my friend wasn't in and the other is boring lol.I often sometimes just sit or stay silently with my friends.No talking,no speaking just silence.sometimes I find that silence comforting, sometimes the silence haunts me.But that day I needed to sit in silence with someone,so I did.I did not speak a word,and when I did it was to vent out about the day.I don't like how I act with my friends.I don't think I should be venting all the time.If they ever read this,I am sorry.

Kids were taking pictures. I was noticing their excitement and making a happy face every now and then.It didn't really matter a lot that time except for the fact that it hit me that in my class too kids must be clicking pictures with each other.I don't force my friends into taking pictures but sometimes I do get sad on how I don't have a picture as a memory.

clicking pictures is an act of acceptance and love.You only do take pictures with those who belong to you,those you accept as friends,classmates etc.

As they called my friend for a class photograph and she walked to them for the picture,like a rain drop falling slapping my face ,like the ache of a first heartbreak,like the ache of a dead dream,it hit me,it slapped me that I do not belong anywhere.

I couldn't go back to my class because I don't like it there,I dont like how SCI makes me feel so lil all the f time.I couldn't enter my friend's class because I would 'spoil'their class photo.Because no matter how much they try to make me a part of their class even lil things like a class photograph are enough to help me face the reality.Their class picture wasn't just a picture to me,it served to ignite the pain that I have been supressing for over 2 years now.

Out walking in the corridor the fact hit me so hard I had to take a moment to breath as a tear rolled down my cheek.From distance I could see my classmates taking their class picture and form near my friend taking a class picture.Like any other movie scene I looked and compared the both with teary eyes.I don't belong anywhere.

I don't belong to the class for which I climb stairs,I do not belong to the class whose every corner is sewed as a beautiful and painful memory in my heart.I do not belong to the giggles of my class.And I did not belong to the giggles of the other class.

While others went back home changing their pfp to them in sarees,

mine remains the same,a silly picture with a overpowering filter

Not like i wasn;t asked to take a picture more like I refused to be captured with the heavy feelings in my heart.I was afraid I wont be able to put up with my fabricated personality anymore,I was afraid the camera would capture me in ways I dont want others to know.

I have a few photos only the ones where the camera couldn't capture the true me.

Ever since then I am trying to find where I belong.

to anyone reading this,I hope you don't understand anything I wrote.