Never Ready

These tears I hold back,
The ones I continue to hold on to,
For three damn years.
The ones I can't let go of,
The ones that hold me prisoner,
To their deady depths.
The ones I refuse to give in,
I ask this godforsaken world,
Why?
God-d****t why?!

Sometimes I just have to admit to myself I don't know,
I don't know a damn thing.
I just have all these thoughts in my head,
Not even good thoughts,
Just crap I convinced myself to believe.
Crap that is someday going to kill me,
It's eating me from the inside.
Even now I feel the pain,
The pain that will never go away.
The pain I was damned to the day I was born.

I can't change it,
I can't forget it,
I can't think,
I can't move on,
I just can't let go.
I never will be able to,
I was always the one to hold on,
The last one left to keep standing,
I just was.
I cared.

I don't know why,
Why does anyone care?
Why does anyone do anything?
I don't know.
I'm just some naive kid in the world,
Trying so damn hard to find my place.
But knowing I may never.
Doomed to this life I hate,
A life I can never leave unless through a door,
A door I hope I never use.


*optional second piece*


I hope no one ever uses that door,
But I know they have.
I can recall countless names of ones who have,
But I will not.
Sad thing is,
I can't promise that, I can only hope.
Hope I never resort to s**t like that,
S**t that drives my mind insane and makes these tears cascade down my face.
I don't want this life,
I never did.

But it wasn't ever really my choice,
Was it?
I can enjoy it,
I can make it happy,
But I won't.
I'm like that.
To change I have to let go,
And to let go,
I have to leave those I held so close for so many years.
Those who have left me,
In body but not in mind.

I put myself to these tasks,
Push myself further than I can go.
Just to feel the pain,
Just to know I can do it,
I know by now I can.
But I keep doing it.
And I think I've just finally realized why,
I do it for the pain,
For the release,
The only thing that can help.

It is my medication for this pain,
This pain that won't stop.
The pain I know will never stop.
Until I go through that door,
That door I fear but love so deep.
That door is my haven,
But it's not my time yet,
I know it isn't.
But when it is,
I think I'll be ready.