A stoic kind of love

A Stoic Kind of Love

 

The pertinent appearance
Solid, metallic, and cold
The eyes so dehydrated
Shadows swim in the empty depths

My words separate and chopped in the hollow vacuum
A love once so vivid now so fleeting
The sheets once tangled
Now lay wasted like stone

Lilacs and warmth, a scent so familiar
Cling to the pillows
Dainty and fading.

 

Reviews

[X]

aww.
i really like it.
that was adorable.
but it's also quite sad.
i'm guessing that you were with someone and thought it was love and then everything ended?
sad story.
but i hope that you write more work.
you're a good poet.
=]]
love it.
nice job.
monica.

[Brianna Brie]

Shadows swim in the empty depths

Ohhh this speaks of pain so deep. The kind that leaves one empty or hollow on the inside. Such a vivid picture.

[The Elder Pine]

Alas the tragic battle that is love and loss, betrayal and the falling of affections. Once again a wonderful job-you really do a wonderful job with constructing thoughts and feelings. You have a tremendous vocabulary to top it all off. Ah and I would disagree with removing lines, I think that all of the piece fit-some may have a more difficult time understanding their value but they are potent and necessary none the less.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

You have such intense way with words... WOW!! The darkness we feel when love betrays us... then to finally come out of the dark clouds it brings... you are great at saying so much in few words... BRAVO!!

[Lorraine Pearson]

Saddness grips me as I watch a love one fade away...this is intense and well written. I had to read it a couple of times to really see it through your eyes...
~Lorraiyne

[Bennett Logan]

I like this. You control the language well and convey a very clear emotion. It's nostalgic and stoic at the same time, and it works well.

I only have a couple suggestions. Try taking out any words or lines that aren't absolutely necessary to the poem and see what you think of the result. Also, try using punctuation at the line breaks where applicable; you can better control the reader's pace as well emphasize certain words/lines/ideas.

Thanks for posting. I look forward to reading more of your work.