A Forlorn Withered Love

I wanted to be enough. But standing here staring at the man who had at one point been my life I knew that no matter how long I strived, that journey was fruitless. The years had passed; our bodies grew fuller as our faces left in the dust the image of our youth.  At the time we were martyrs for the battle for love. We frolicked in the peace and sanctity that we found in each other. We were in love.  But even love can be shattered and fractured. Mistakes can be made and misinterpretations can occur. Humanity can set in and the harsh sense of reality can strike you hard. We were only human. Too young to understand, too aged to admit our mistakes. The stale taste of freshly realized hormones and taffeta dresses swirling at dances were thick in our throats. A flickering image that grew to a blazing reflection of ourselves in each other, we were in love.  

Were, the b*****d word that singed my mind as I thought of it. He hadn’t changed, and neither had my feelings in the extended time we were separated. He still felt the same. His scent still carried through the breeze, that distinct smell that can only be described as the scent of boy. That masculine roughness that was made genteel by the soft comforting smell of all the redeeming properties that comes distinct to the gender. His hair still fell in soft tanned brown waves down to his ears as it waved in the wind that carried it. His eyes still held in them all of the aspirations that we had strived for all those years ago when our worries were more than bills and responsibility. I was still in love.

He didn’t know. His willingness to meet me in the quaint restaurant stemmed from nothing more than his general curiosity to see how the years had been to me. If his emotions held more than that, my eyes are blinded to them. I listened wistfully to the wonderful recount of his journeys that I had forfeited my ability experience. Life had been well to him. I saw the aversion to bringing up what we had both been afraid of bubble to the surface in his face and in the depths of his bronze eyes.  He kept to the basics to save us from the awkwardness. We both feared what was needed to be said, and neither wanted to breach the small civility we had gained amongst each other. There was a small hint of pain in his face as I knew he was remembering the cause of our impromptu severance. It had been my fault. All my god damn fault!  

We were young; his life was carrying him to the vast regions of the world to study from the masters of the universe. He took the first step towards his future when he drove away with the tassel draped on his car visor. And as his headlights drew farther and farther into the distance my rooted feet started an upheaval. The roots wilted and my ability to feel past the pain and separation spread like wildfire.  My roots were wounded, it searched for the tender handling of another gardener to primp and pluck away the thorns.  The gardener I found as replacement was all wrong, so dastardly and disastrously wrong. And only when all the pedals fell from my wilted body did I realize the gardener of my affections was unable to reach me past the thorns of deception and fear that had grown in our separation. I had placed between us the most darkly of pain, a deep set poison that rotted us to our very cores. Infidelity had been my sickness.

“We should…just get it out…it will be better after it’s on the table…” his voice gave my skin a rapid shock of heat and a soothing sense of stability.

“ None of this is going to be easy Andrew…..we both know that.”  The quick shot of pain  filled his eyes before they fell under the tightly veiled reality of a man’s emotions settled over him.

“Say what you’re thinking…we’ll work from there I guess…”

I love you.  

“I’m not sure what I’m thinking will solve anything.” I tilted my eyes down in shame. Even if my words meant anything to him, it wouldn’t rebuild any of the fissures my initial deception had created.

“I’m not looking to solve anything….just tell me what you’re thinking…”

I love you. Just say it.

“I’m sorry.” Was the words that came out instead, his eyes squinted in confusion, he knew that wasn’t what was supposed to be said, disappointment that those were the words that I had chosen to give.

“Why are you sorry….it was years ago…” he gave a small nervous laugh as he ran a hand through his locks “we were just kids….”

I’m sorry I still love you….when it’s obvious…that things between us were too far gone to mend.

His brows furrowed in genuine feeling as the silent pause I took after his questioned continued.

“Please…..Hannah…just tell me what you’re thinking.” Andy pleaded.

“I’m sorry I destroyed any chance of us ever being happy together.”  As the words dripped from my lips I felt my heart sink to the depths of Hades. It had started as a thought. And it wasn’t until his taken back expression that I realized it had been verbalized out loud. My face went flush as his expression didn’t change, his eyes burned into mine as his silence continued. I needed to go…this was a mistake….my heart fluttered in the haste to find any way to flee from the distress my heart was feeling.

“I’m sorry I dragged you out here….I need to go….sorry Andy….”  Clumsily grabbing my small purse I stopped next to him and stared down at him. He was still painstakingly attractive to my eyes. I felt that unique combination of salt and water leak out from my stubborn eyes, leaning down I placed a small kiss on his cheek.

“Try and forgive me one day….okay.” Eyeing the door, I straightened and rushed my way through the revolving doors. Pushing past the moving dividers of glass and rubber stoppers, the hot pattering of the summer rain soaked me. In the storm the trickle of tears I let escape blended well with the rain.

“Hannah! Wait up!” I ignored. “God Damnit will you wait up!” I felt his hand on my arm and the wind whip against me as he turned me to face him.

The rain had plastered his hair to his face making the youth pear through the aged masculinity of his features.

“You cannot just storm out after saying that to me. I deserve more than that Damnit.”

He was right, and I was still the coward that I had been five years ago. I pulled my arm free and stepped a few paces away from him. The rain burned my eyes as I lost the ability to tell my tears from the rain

“There is a lot that you deserve Andy…” his eyes softened at the use of the old endearment.

“Then tell me what you really want to say…” Andy whispered

Damnit, Damnit, I love you god Damnit, Damnit, coward, I…

“Love you..”

“What?” Andy urged…his eyes held back so much to them. “What did you just say…”

“I…..said…I….still……love…you….” my eyes refused to rise. They stayed focused on the neatly tied laces of his previously polished shoes.

“Damnit.”  The faint sound of puddles splashing brought my eyes skyward. The tailored sway of his jacket was moving with Andrew’s steps as he walked away down the sidewalk.

“Andrew…” I muttered loud enough that I know my words reached him.

His eyes were damaged when he glanced back at me, shaking his head in the wind shaking some of the precipitation out of his eyes.

“Just God Damnit it all Hannah…”

He turned shaking his head as he walked away till he mingled in with the crowd and for the second time, ambled out of my life.

We were in love. A love that became battered and beaten, so shattered and massacured. We were in love. But as the harsh reality set in as Andrew's coat became a distant memory, love is fragile. Love...isn't always enough.

 

 

 

Author's Note

This was just a quick little exercise i did for myself to get in the swing of writing stroies again....its baised of one of my worse fears...

Reviews

[deathcabxcutiex]

ugh. awful situation, but very good writing:o) you are very descriptive, which is great. a lot of analogies to digest, but good practice. kudos!

[Wondering Mind]

And it turned out to be quite a story , this "little" exercise! I enjoyed how you wove in the inner voice struggling to speak out and then finally bursting out.

[Abd-afeez]

Nice one! Keep it up.