Chapter 14

“How are you doing with that?”

“It’s tough. I feel like I never have time to relax but I’m enjoying being busy. It gives me time to not think but to just act.”

“I know that there is more for you to tell but out hour is up. I would like to see you again sometime next week. I would also want you to take care of the vomiting issue.” Robbie concluded.

And with that, Toby and I went out to where the receptionist was. I gave the receptionist the card so I could make another appointment for next week. While waiting for a date, the pain came back with so much force that I fell to the ground. This time, Toby wasn’t able to catch me. There was a concern look on Toby’s face that the receptionist caught. She got on t he phone immediately.

My thoughts inside of my head were screaming about my last breath. I could hear the sirens coming down the street. From there on, I blanked out and can’t remember a thing. When the sirens got closer, the pain got more intense. Toby was trying not to overreact but he was sure something was up. I woke up with an IV of morphine in my arm and on the way to the closest hospital. They had the oxygen mask on my face as breathing was becoming difficult. I blanked out again as soon as we arrived at the hospital.

Toby followed the ambulance in his truck. They put me in a room and decided to run a bunch of different tests. I was alert and awake when Toby found my room. Once he reached my bed, he bended down to have his body against mine.

“I’m so sorry.” I managed to say as my throat was getting dry and I was hard to swallow.

“Don’t be sorry, Lucy. It isn’t your fault.”

Toby gave me a kiss before he got comfortable in the chair beside the hospital bed. I was staring out in space to pass the time. A few hours came and gone until the doctor came in with the results. His hand flew right to mine and cupped it for reassurance.

“Lucy, the test results came back and you have an eating disorder called Anorexia Nervosa.”

A relief look was on both me and Toby.

“You’re getting the nutrients that you need now and then a family member needs to keep a close eye on you. If all looks good in a couple of hours, you will be released from the hospital.”

Good news was brought to the both of us but it doesn’t explain all of the symptoms. The throwing up blood or the massive pain in my abdominal area or difficulty swallowing.  Toby scooted the chair closer to my bed so he could physically reach out to me for support. I fell asleep holding Toby’s hand. He was just staring at me and rubbing my hand. I awoke with a start from a bad dream. That alerted my IV but didn’t set it off. After waking up, I shortly fell asleep. During that time, Trisha came in with the release papers for Toby to sign. They told Toby that when I woke up again, to alert Trisha.

Toby saw that I was starting to stir and pressed the nurses’ button. Trisha was there when I opened up my eyes. The needle was out of my arm and I was getting ready to sit up. Trisha was going to help me get dress but I told her I was fine. She left me with that for the last time. I took my time getting dressed. When I was ready to walk, Toby put his arm around my waist and we took baby steps. When we got to the truck, Toby helped me get up into the seat. I was so weak and sore that I just wanted to sleep and have Toby by my side. All I wanted to do was just sleep. Toby was bringing us back to my house so I could grab some things as we were going to his dad’s house for the night. I slept in the truck until we pulled into my driveway.

I was a bit drowsy but I was trying to wake myself up. Toby knew that I always had my house keys on my side. He brought me inside after unlocking the front door. I was in dire need of some water as my throat was really dry. A note to make was not to go so fast. As soon as the coldness of the water went through my lips, everything inside my body went numb. I took my time swallowing as it was already hard to swallow. Toby was in my room, getting it ready for us to take a nap before heading out again. I was starting to get a little bit warm so I changed into something that showed more skin. We also put the fan on in my room before lying down. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. Toby was watching me sleep before he fell asleep himself. He snuggled up to my body form and noticed I moved towards him.

When I woke up, I felt more refreshed than anything. Toby was still sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him as he could be driving. Not to soon did Toby wake up. It’s weird because he has the sixth sense when something is wrong, if I’m awake or knowing something before it happens. A smile appeared on his face. I pulled him closer so his face was in my shoulder.

“How are you feeling?”

“I feel a bit better now that I’ve rested. The pain is still there but the doctors says it’s Anorexia Nervosa when I know for a fact it isn’t.”

“At least you’re feeling better. If the pain keeps up, we need to take you to a doctor and not the hospital.”

Toby matched his hand up with mine and saw how bad I was shaking. Toby’s stomach was all the sound in my room. I think that was a sign for me to feed the animals and make Toby something to eat. The last time they ate was this morning and it was now getting close to three. I haven’t gone grocery shopping since my mom did last week. Knowing Toby, I made him a toasted sandwich the way I think he would like it. I feel like I’m getting watched but then again, Toby wants to make sure I’m alright.

I enjoy having Toby around because he makes me feel like I belong. Once the sandwich was done cooking, I served it on a paper plate so I wouldn’t have to do any dishes but yet I had to. Toby ordered me to sit down and eat some of the sandwich that I had made for him. While eating, we were making each other laugh. I took about two bites of my half of the sandwich and Toby had to finish the rest of my half. To be honest, I was feeling a bit better than before. I cleaned up while Toby went into my room to pack. It’s funny how Toby knows what I like to wear. He packed it in my backpack knowing it would be easier for me to lift. When I was finished with the dishes, Toby was ready to leave.

To make sure I was alright, Toby was being a safety net as I was getting into his truck. He shut the door once I was buckled in and ran to the driver’s side. Before I knew it, we were on the road heading to Mr. MacStar’s house.  The drive wasn’t that long and I was wide awake. I was anticipating spending the night in Toby’s bed for a change. When we arrived, I was the one who brought our backpacks into the house. When Mr. MacStar saw Toby with the look on his face, his father understood when he looked at me.

Mr. MacStar welcomed us with a hug. His hug meant more to me than to Toby. Toby and Ken were talking about the recent events that have happened. I went up to Toby’s room and dropped our belongings off as I didn’t want to hear the conversation. When Ken and Toby heard me coming back down, they switched topics so it wouldn’t make me feel bad. I was starting to become uncomfortable around his dad as this is the second time being at Toby’s dad’s house. I walked to where Toby’s opened arms were welcoming. I didn’t want a hug but I wanted Toby.

Once I got to Toby, I gave him a hug and then turned around so he could hold me. His scent was making me calm. Ken was finishing up speaking with Toby before he actually noticed me.

“How are you feeling?” Ken asked.

I was staring out into space before I realized his dad was talking to me.

“Oh. I’m sorry. I’m feeling fine for now but later, I won’t know.” I concluded.

“Why don’t we all sit down and catch up?” Ken suggested.

“That sounds good. I think you should know about everything that has gone on since you’ve seen me and Toby.”

I led Toby to the couch that was in the living room. We weren’t sitting next to each other like in the therapy session. Ken took the seat next to Toby and I sat in the chair that was facing them. Looking into Toby’s eyes I could tell that Toby was missing the time with his dad. I have never seen Toby like this. He actually curled up into his dad. I could feel the anxiety dancing around in my head and my stomach. I needed to get out of here.

In an instance, Toby flew off the couch the minute I got up to go out the front door. I left the front door open and sat on the front step. I hugged my knees closed and cried. Toby was watching me from the front door when Ken crept up on him. Ken hugged Toby from behind who just stood there and cried. I kept repeating myself about how much I missed my mom and her and I bonding. There are some things a girl needs and   their mother is one of them.

Toby was able to wipe his tears away before he tried to wipe his tears away before he tried to comfort me. I was aware of his presence even before he came to sit beside me. He pulled me close as I let the tears run down my face. I had to let my nose drain before I spoke.

“You should never see me like this. Neither should your dad. When I saw you bonding with your dad, it made me realize how much I miss my mom. Little things are making me sad and are causing me to be overwhelmed. I should never be jealous of what you and your dad have.”

Toby gathered me and pulled me close. I buried my nose into the crook of his neck. The scent was calming me down and I surprised Toby by giving him a small kiss on the neck. Toby was the first to move after I moved off of him. He stood in front of me and held out his hands. I took them as Toby pulled me up on his hands. I took them as Toby pulled me up on my feet and into him. He brought his head down towards mine and kissed me passionately.

We were at it for a while, with Toby’s hand’s resting on my hips and my arms wrapped around his neck. Ken was watching us and how his son was interacting with his girlfriend. Toby was the one who let go and rested his forehead against the top of my head. My head was resting on Toby’s chest. When I pulled back, Toby wiped away the rest of my tears before we went back inside. My hands were shaking and I tightened my grip on Toby’s hand. With a deep breath, I returned to my seat to resume what we were doing.

“First of all, what the f**k was that? And what’s been going on since I’ve last seen you?” Ken asked as he sat down next to his son.

I took a deep breath and decided my choice of words.

“There have been a lot of things that have happened. Some of the things I’m not proud of. I’ve attempted suicide because of the medication I was on for the throwing up of blood. On top of that, my mom left on Wednesday for Basic Training. I’m basically the mom and Toby is the dad. We’ve been doing alright. What you just saw was me breaking down. I miss my mom. When Toby laid his head in your lap, I realized how much I don’t have. I felt the anxiety build up like I couldn’t breathe and I needed some fresh air. My emotions are so messed up since my mom left and I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be jealous.” Ken said.

“I’m trying not to but I can’t help it.” I took a sigh. “I’ve been playing around with the idea of Toby moving in with me and being a parent to my brother with me.”

“Why are you making decisions? Why didn’t you bounce this idea off of me first before my dad?” Toby questioned in anger.

“I’m not making any decisions. I’m not making any decisions. I’m asking Ken his opinion about you moving in because you’re mostly with my half of the time.”

  There was a hint of anger in my voice when I responded. That was where Toby stomped out of the room and went where I wasn’t which was fine with me.

“Ken, I would really like…no�"appreciate if Toby moved in with me. It would be a lot easier for me and him to do the things we need to do/love.” I explained.

“Give me the night to think about it but I also have to discuss this with his mother.”

“Thank you. Now, excuse me as I need to get Toby’s mood up.”

“Good luck. Once he’s mad or angry, it takes forever to get his mood happy.” Ken explained.

Before I left the room, I went over to where Ken was sitting and gave him a hug in appreciation. Toby was in his room, tuning his guitar. When Toby gets mad, he turns to music to let it out. I enjoy watching him fiddle with his guitar. If something didn’t go right, then Toby would swear. When he swore, that was when I interrupted his concentration. He looked up to where I was and then back down at his guitar. But I was bugging him by watching him so he moved the guitar aside and welcomed me in. I sat on the bed, waiting to talk to Toby.

“Please, Toby, don’t be mad at me. I had wanted to run the idea of you moving in by your parents before I asked you.”

“I’m mad, but I’m not mad. I’m mad at the fact that you didn’t run it by me but I also understand that you need to run it by my parents.”

After he answered, he moved towards me and cocooned me in his arms. He kissed the top of my head before kissing me on the lips.

“I’m sorry for getting mad at something so stupid. Do you forgive me?” Toby asked.

I looked into his eyes when I answered him. 

“It wasn’t stupid at all. You wish I had talked to you before I went to your dad. I do forgive you because Toby, I love you so much. Your dad said he has to talk with your mom before making a final decision.”

“Did you just say that you love me?” Toby acted surprised.

“Yes.” I smiled. “Yes, I did.”

“You NEVER say that.”

“You just heard me, did you not?”

“I did hear you.”

“I only say it if I actually feel it and to be honest, I feel loved from you and your family. And I’m returning the gift of love.”

That answer deserved a quick, sloppy kiss from Toby. Toby’s room isn’t that far away from his father’s room. Because Ken has called id on his home phone, he used his cell phone to call his ex-wife.

“Palacé, its Ken. Listen, I have a proposal that want you to think about.” Ken started out to say.

“What is it?”

“Well, Toby and his girl are spending the night here. She had wanted to know if Toby could move in with her. He is mostly with her so it does make sense.”

“Did you answer her proposal?”

“No, I told her that I needed to talk with his mom and decide over night.” Ken answered.

“I do agree with her stand point but I think they’re rushing but she is right. If Toby would like to move in with her, I give him my permission.”

The phone call ended with Ken sighing and lying on his bed. He knew he had to have a decision made by morning. While lying down, Ken was also listening to his son talk about his guitar to his girlfriend. That was one of the things that made Ken appreciate his life.

I had always wanted to learn how to play the guitar and finally someone I love is teaching me. Ken made his way to the kitchen but stopped to watch Toby play the guitar with me. Every time I or he messed up, we would laugh and then start all over again. It was getting close to seven and Toby and I are just now sitting down to eat something. I’m very lucky that Ken has salad in the house because I was actually in the mood to eat. When Ken makes burgers, he made real burgers that every man would love. They would be big and juicy with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and ketchup. Because I have the passion to cook, I was able to help out in the kitchen. I felt that Ken’s house was a restaurant because it had every type of food in it. When the burgers were ready, the rest of the food was ready to be served. We all sat down at the dining table to eat. 

Toby was the first one to make his burger the way he wanted it. I waited until the boys got their meat before I went to make my salad. Ken also has creamy Italian salad dressing which is my favorite. I had made my salad small and everything small enough for me to chew and swallow. I took about two bites before I felt my throat closing up. When I put my fork down, I banged on the table as I was gasping for air. Right before Ken’s eyes, Toby jumped up and picked me up to put me outside. I was out on the back deck taking some deep breaths. Toby’s thoughts were running together that he didn’t know what to think.

We went back inside and resumed at the dinner table. What Ken didn’t know is that I have very good hearing and I overheard what Ken had said to his ex-wife. With every step I took, a deep breath went in it. I moved my seat so I could sit across from Toby. He was gonna watch me to make sure that nothing else was gonna happen. I tried to eat again, this time going slower than normal. I also made sure that I was chewing my food into small pieces and swallowing bits at a time. It got to a point where I was halfway done with my salad and I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“Do you wanna finish my salad?” I asked Toby.

Toby’s mouth was busy chowing down on his third burger when he nodded his head. I moved my bowl across the table. My mom instincts were kicking in and I was also getting bored. I was starting to clean up and put the extra food in containers to keep it fresh. Everything that was on the table was everything that the boys were chowing down on. I asked the boys when done to put the dishes in the sink. I started soaping up the cooking dishes first before I started to wash. Because my iPod was on me, I was able to plug my music in and wash to the beat. Ken was trying to help but Toby interfered by telling Ken to leave me be. Toby brought Ken to the living room for the explanation of why.

“When she puts her ear buds in her ears,” Toby started to say. “That’s when you leave her be. Give her about ten minutes and all the dishes will be washed. Then she has to dry and put away after washing off the table. She’s in her mom mood.”

My favorite song came on when I started to wash the table to the beat. I thought I was in my own little world when I was singing to myself. Toby and Ken were listening to me singing along with my favorite artist. Once the counter was cleaned, I took the ear buds out of my ears. I was able to find the guys in silence but they were also in awe of my voice.