Chapter 16

Ken went back in the living room so I could say what I need to say to Toby.

“Why are you packing up?” Toby repeated his question.

“Because I’m leaving. Toby…”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“I have to.” I wiped a tear away from my eye. “I’m too much to handle for you. Since I’ve been dating you, I’ve been in the hospital numerous times. I’m hurting myself because I’ve realized that I’m no good for you. I’m so sorry, Toby, but I think it’s for the best.”

I picked up my backpack and started to head towards the living room. Toby caught my arm before I even exited his room. He pulled me into him for a hug while I was crying. When I got a hold of myself, I pulled back away from him. You could tell he was really hurt. I asked Toby to take me home where I belong. I went out into the living room where I thanked Ken for everything. I know he can hear almost anything from the living room. Toby followed shortly after when he gave his father a look of explanation. I got comfortable in Toby’s truck while I was waiting for Toby. Not a moment too soon, Toby came outside and started his truck.

Halfway to my house, I put my hand on Toby’s leg. I love Toby so much that this is the best was for the both of us.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such a screw up and you don’t deserve someone like me.”

Toby drove me in silence .This also means that I have to walk to and from school instead of rides from Toby.

“Please don’t give me rides to and from school anymore.” I requested.

Today was about a bunch of heartbreaks. I’m trying to make sure that Toby and I have no more contact than at school. We arrived at my house about five minutes later. Toby shut the engine off and got out of the car. He crossed to my side of the truck and opened the door but told me to leave my back pack. Kinda strange as I wanted to crawl into my bed as fast as I could. I was moving a bit slow as a bit of pain was creeping up on me.

In an instant, I was up against the passenger side door. Toby’s body was being pushed up against mine. He put his soft lips on mine. I started to feel all tingly and special inside. After almost every kiss, Toby would stare into my brown eyes and the tears that they cried. Toby gave one last kiss before pulling back a little hit. It was me who wanted one more and made it last longer than expected. I grabbed my backpack t hat was still in Toby’s truck. I walked up to the door and grabbed my key out. Once the door was unlocked, I turned around one last time to get a last glimpse of Toby.

“Goodbye Toby. See you around.”  I said before going into my house.

From the window, I watched Toby get into his truck and drive away. A few minutes after, Kyle and Tom showed up at the house. Kyle said goodbye to his dad and headed to the door where I was waiting for him. The girls were outside, riding their bikes and Kyle was waiting for my approval. I told him that he needed to have lunch first before going outside to play. Kyle told me that he wanted some Ramen noodles for lunch and that’s what I made him. He had this funny look on his face that was puzzling me.

“Is something wrong?” I asked Kyle as I put his cool Ramen on the table.

“What’s on your arms?”

“Oh. Those. I got injured when I slept over Ken’s house.”

I was so thankful that Kyle left it at that. Once he took the last bite, I told him to go play. I emptied Kyle’s and my own backpack. Everything had to be put back into order or it would bug me. I was surprised to find myself hungry. The fridge, freezer and cabinets were starting to become more naked than bare. God know how long things have been in there. That was my next thing on my to-do list.  I took almost everything out of the fridge that I thought was expired. The lunch meat was fine but was low. On the other hand, what milk was left was all chunky. God only knows what the freezer holds. To my surprise, there was very little food items but you don’t know what’s in the deep freeze. Going downstairs was going to be tough but it’s time to face my fears.

Hearing the stairs creaked brought a little bit of memory. I turned the light on and went onto the finished side. The rope was on the ground where Toby got it off of my neck. Fresh tears were starting to fall as I moved closer to the spot. I grabbed the rope off of the ground and held it in my hands for a moment. A flash back started to happen and it was scaring me. I was able to shake myself lose and went to the other side of the basement. I opened up the deep freeze and saw some frozen food but not much. I needed to make sure I made a list of what I needed. I made my way up the stairs and into the kitchen.

A pad of paper and a pen was sitting on the counter. I made a list of what I needed for the household. Not only did I make a list of what I needed, I also searched the internet for more coupons than what my mom has collected. Once I got what I needed, I walked down to Lily’s house as I needed to talk with her. The sun was beating down on me while I was walking. Lily was outside watching Angel ride her bike while her husband was mowing the lawn/ doing yard work. Angel was riding towards me with a big goofy smile on her face. I was allowed to give her a hug before I looked up to see Lily smoking a cigarette.

“What are you doing today?”

“Once Colby is done with cutting the backyard, I’m going grocery shopping.”

“Do you mind if I go to? I need food for the house but I don’t have a ride.” I explained.

“What happened to Toby?”

“He and I broke up. It was the best for the both of us.”

“I can definitely take you grocery shopping. If you need to talk about Toby, I’m here to talk and for advice. “

“Thank you, Lily. I really am lucky to have you as a second mother and a friend in need.”

I walked back to my house to grab my list, purse, and coupons before locking up the house. I had to let Kyle know that I was going out grocery shopping with Lily. Angel was gonna come with us so it made it extra special. We all piled into Lily’s truck as soon as Colby finished with the lawn. It wasn’t until we were out of the neighborhood that I spoke up about the break up with Toby.

“The reason I broke up with Toby is because I feel that he is taking care of me. I’ve caused him more pain than any of his other girlfriends.”  

“Well, you couldn’t help it, could you?”

“The past two incidents were my doing. One was because of a medication and the other was because of the pain and the emotions I was feeling. I don’t think Toby could handle me before I could even handle myself.”

“You’re doing what’s best for you before you feel someone else could handle you and your package.”

Lily had a point and that had me thinking. We went to the stores my mom would normally go to. We all stuck together but had two separate carriages. Angel had wanted to go with me instead of her mom and it was alright with Lily as long as Angel behaved. When we checked out of the first store, I walked out with less than a hundred dollars worth of food. The second store took longer because I needed more things than Lily. We were back at the house around three and Lily helped me unload groceries before going to her house. I said goodbye to Angel and thanked Lily for everything she did for me. First things first were to put away the groceries and then the checkbook.

While filling out the checkbook, my phone was nearby with at least five text messages from Toby. I chose to ignore then as I was busy doing housework. I went outside to enjoy the weather and to get some sun as I was still white from the winter. Because the text messages on my phone were annoying me, I read them. After realizing that they were about how much he missed me, I got frustrated. My arms were only hurting just a tad bit but they were reminding me of what and why I did it. I was lying on the grass, tanning myself and listening to the bike wheels squeal. I checked the time to see if it was time to go in. With the glare of the sun, I wasn’t able to see the time. Kyle was at Lily’s house, playing with the girls in the backyard. I had decided to let Kyle pick out what he had wanted for dinner. I wasn’t in the mood to eat as I was starting to become a bit depressed. Before I went to go ask Kyle about dinner, I had to ask Toby for my medication. I called him from my house phone. All I got was a ringing first and then the familiar voice picked up.

“Hello.” Toby answered.

“Hey, Toby. It’d Lucy. Do you mind dropping off my medication? I forgot to get it from you when you dropped me off earlier. “

“Yes, I can drop them off. Did you get my texts?”

“Yes, I did but I chose to ignore them as I have other things I need to do.”

“I hope you know I haven’t left your neighborhood sine I dropped you off. My backpack is with me and I will be there momentarily.” Toby hung up.

Shortly after hanging up, I heard a car door shut. Toby was right when he said he was around the corner. I went outside to Toby’s truck to collect my medication. He got out of the truck with his backpack and went into the bed of the truck. I went to the side of the truck and politely asked for my medication. But Toby won’t budge.

“Toby, may I please have my medication?”

“You may.”

“Thank you.”

“After you explain the real reason why you broke up with me.”

Toby was being the smartass that he was. I climbed into his truck so I could trick Toby.

“Explain.”

I crawled up into his lap and tried to seduce him and get him to give me my medication.

“Seducing me will not work.”

“Fine.” I gave up. “I think I need to take care of me before I have someone else take care of me. I feel that I can’t deal with things on my own until I’m ready to. I need to deal with accepting myself instead of being in love. It’s why I had to break it off with you; otherwise I would still be with you. Now, may I have my medication?”

Toby sat there in silence. He was realizing what I said and how it was affecting him. Finally, he understood what I was trying to say. Out of nowhere, he kissed me long and hard that sent sparks up my spine. Then, Toby gave me my medication.

“If you need me, I’m only a call away. I miss spending my time with you. I feel so empty but I understand where you’re coming from.”

“I’m sorry Toby but I need space. Our relationship needs to be put on hold until I get a handle on myself.”

I grabbed my medication and got out of the bed of his truck. He followed me all the way to the door. I spun around and gave him a final kiss before going inside. I shook my head, trying to get the buzz of Toby off of me. I lined all of the medication up on the counter before I made dinner for Kyle. Most of me was gonna let Kyle finish playing before I let him eat. And the other part of me wanted to be outside and enjoy the sunshine. My brain won and I went outside. I made sure my alarm clock was set for the time I wanted to leave. The sun was still shining and I was able to hear the kids from two houses down. I went out back and was lying on the grass to tan and to think.

When the alarm went off, I got up and went to go grab my brother. He didn’t give me a fight as he was tired himself. Kyle went in the shower while I was making his dinner. Earlier, Kyle told me that he wanted hotdogs for dinner. A couple of minutes after getting out of the shower, Kyle’s dinner was ready for him as I had to get his backpack ready for tomorrow as both of us have school. We only have a couple of weeks left of school before summer vacation. While Kyle was eating, I made sure I took my pills. But it was one at a time and it would be on the counter before going into my mouth.  I felt so burned and really warm that I needed to take a cold shower. Kyle went to go watch television before it was time for bed.

The image that I am needs to change. Having the cold water run over the cut marks hurt like a b***h. I wrapped the towel around my body and put my dirty clothes in the basket. Mind as well get a load going while I was there. My hair decided to start sir drying earlier than expected. Kyle was already asking for dessert by the time I came out of my room. I put on a pair of capris with a random color tank top and my hair pulled back so it could finish drying. There was not much for me to clean. Even if I wanted to go to bed, I had to wait for the laundry to finish washing, then put it in the dryer before I could fold it and put it away. I sat on the couch while Kyle was enjoying his dessert. I was starting to nod off when Kyle moved to get up.

At the same time, the dryer went off and reminded me of what I needed to do. When I grabbed the clothes out of the dryer, Kyle was already brushing his teeth and using the bathroom. I tucked him into bed before returning to the living room. The laundry got folded and the rest of the house got a good cleaning before going to bed. I went into my room where it brought back so many memories. I layed on my bed, thinking about the wording of the text message I was about to send. My mom needed to know what was going on so I poured out my heart in one long text message. I was confident with the text I sent and reread the text messages from Toby before going to bed.

I awoke early than expected to but that was fine with me. I have to shower and have Kyle ready for six o clock so I could get to school on time. My mom had responded saying that she would text me later on that night. Around quarter of six, I woke Kyle up  and him get dressed while I took my medication. Both of us were ready and out the door by six. Lily had just gotten out of the shower when we got there.

“I’m sorry that I have to bring him over a bit early but if I want to get to school on time, I need to start walking now.”

“Don’t worry about it. The girls are already up and are getting dressed/having breakfast. Kyle is fine with me.” Lily reassured.

“I can’t thank you enough.” I said before leaving.

I put the ear buds in my ear and was walking to the beat. I didn’t bother checking my phone because it would distract me from where I’m going. I wasn’t that far away from school when I spotted Toby’s deep blood pickup truck. It brought me heartache but I was able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Once I got on school grounds, I was thinking of ways to avoid Toby at all costs. When I got to my locker that was when I checked my phone. I had a good morning text from Toby that made my heart skip a beat. I couldn’t respond even though I felt a gaze come upon me. I made my way to Health and didn’t look back. Each class was going by so fast. I didn’t think of my mom or of Toby or even the state I was in. After Forensics, I went to my locker one last time before leaving school for the day.

In a couple of weeks, I’m meeting my biological father for the first time. I’m starting to get my life back in order and having a routine. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. Toby had texted me saying that he needed to talk with me. It was fine with me because I also had to talk with him. Toby and I texted back and forth before we agreed on meeting at my house after our history exams. I was ready to take my exam but I was kinda nervous. I went into the first exam confident I would pass. I put all my worries aside and took my exam. Towards the end, I felt like I was going to puke. When they dismissed us, I went straight to the bathroom. Toby was able to find me as he wanted to take me home. I told him no.

After I was out of the bathroom, I started on my walk home with the ear buds in my ears. I was able to hold it together as soon as I walked onto my street. I found a bush that would hide the cookies I tossed. The deep blood truck was sitting and waiting patiently in my driveway. When I got closer to my house, I was able to see that Toby was chillening in the back of his truck.  He knew I had acknowledged him but needed to go into the house to get squared away.

A few moments after walking into the house, I walked back out to where Toby was sitting in the back of his truck. I climbed in and sat the opposite of him. I knew what I needed to tell him but I wanted him to speak up first.

“I need you, Lucy. I’ve been going stir crazy because I haven’t been around you. Every time I send you a good morning text, it’s filled with love. Have you gotten yourself in order?”