Dead Flower in a Pot

What do you do when everything you have planned didn't worked out? Do you blame yourself for it? 

I heard my family talking about dividing the rooms. I share the small room with my sister. She's talking about putting her computer setup inside the room but for that to happen, I have to move out of the room. 

I couldn't help but I felt like an outsider, someone that doesn't belong in this place. I don't mind moving out of the room, I can sleep on the couch but it's uncomfortable there. 

I just stayed silent, past memories was running inside my mind. This feeling felt like when I asked my mom for some money to buy materials for my school project, but I was told to ask the teacher if I can pass mine a few days late because she gave money for my sibling's school project. I felt a slight hurt feeling but as a child, it wasn't a big deal that I have to get emotional. I just forget it, I improvised with this school project even though I have no creativity inside my body. 

I didn't get a nice score for it. But it was fine.. better than nothing, I guess. 

I snapped. Back to reality. I was washing the dishes and I'm almost done with it. 

I go upstairs in my room so I can pretend that I can sleep early. 

My phone is working overtime showing me videos of mukbangs on Instagram. There's messages from the group chat of my college friends talking about going out. I left the group chat immediately. I can't be going out and laughing with my friends knowing my mom is sick, and the fact that I'm two weeks until my last day at work means I have to save money for good.

The next morning, I walked out of the house to the trike terminal. I waved my hand signalling I need a ride. 

While on my way I can't help but stare into nothing. No thoughts inside the mind but my eyebrows furrowed. I shook my head to relax my face after realizing that I am already in front of my workplace.

I greeted everyone cheerfully, not a single hint that I am feeling weird, and empty a while ago. 

Joking and laughing around with the new hires in the office. This is so good. 

Then I realized something, I laugh more in this job than before. 

I walked to the chairs in the waiting area, there's a big glass door in front of it and you can see the outside, the road, the cars passing, people walking, some goats

.yes, goats. I feel empty once again, looking outside and the sun making it look squint-able. The same view I see when I was alone in the office, working, and thinking about where it went wrong. What I mean "IT" I meant, everything. I think about the previous jobs I had and that it didn't always worked out well for me. Does it happen to anyone or just me? This thought is so heavy that it makes me exhale so loud. 

I wish I could say what truly bothers me, I wanna explain it in full detail but I fear that I couldn't and I was right. I can't. Talking about it hurts my throat like I'm chewing hot glass . Don't get me started with the "Open up to your friends/family". It doesn't gonna work out for me. I tried and I sounded like a fool Infront of them. They have bigger problems that mine looks like a cry for attention. So, I hide it in, put a fake smile and a force laugh trying to convince myself I'm actually happy. 

I snapped. Again. Back to reality. I'm in the jeepney and it's 18:30 going home. I remembered I need to stop to the grocery store to buy something. I don't know what I'm gonna buy but I need to buy something to make myself feel like I have control of myself. 

I called my mom if they want something from the grocery and she said she want some bread. 

I grabbed two packs of this sliced bread that she wants and I went to the chips section. I can't help it, it has become an addiction, I know. But for some reason, this gives me some feeling of relief that I actually like. When I eat these tasty chips, I feel a slight joy because I can taste some food now. My appetite has decreased extremely that I don't feel anything after eating, no wonder I got skinny. I picked the chips on the shelves in a hurry like I'm late for a meeting. To the counter, then out. I felt a fresh air and it's relaxing. I think I might like this night fresh air.

I went home and greeted my parents cheerfully.. I remembered what my mom said, she missed this. 

She likes me coming home positive and cheerful from work. I felt bad, that work has messed up my mind that I felt dead even more. Here's what they probably won't understand, I'm empty, right now, I am, but I won't let them see that I am miserable and dead. My workplace was so draining that I couldn't open my mouth to talk about anything anymore. I can't pretend all day. This whole act of "cheerful", "childish" girl is exhausting sometimes. 

Reviews

[JayG]

Start to finish, this is you talking TO the reader as if they know you; as if they know the character’s history; as if they know the situation; as-if-they-can-hear-the-storyteller’s-voice. But they don’t and can’t. So they have zero context to make your words meaningful to THEM. But aren't they the ones you wrote it for?

Look at some lines from your opening as your reader must:

• I heard my family talking about dividing the rooms.

So...someone unknown—of unknown gender and unknown age; in an unknown place, at an unknown time in history—reports that they heard an unknown number of people, classified as family, discussing the topic of dividing rooms.

That’s certainly not what you intended. But given that the reader has zero context to make your words more meaningful than that, it is exactly what you said...as that reader views it.

That’s why, on entering any story, we need to address where we are, what’s going on, and whose skin we wear, quickly and unobtrusively. Without that, there can be no meaningful communication.

Plus...you just put effect, people talking about dividing a sister’s bedroom, before the cause: the sister needing more room. That can’t work. In life cause ALWAYS comes first.

Added to that, you just told the reader that the speaker isn’t seen by her family as having a say in where she sleeps. But, she has a job, and we assume, contributes to the family income. She has no say in where she sleeps? That makes no sense.

• I don't mind moving out of the room, I can sleep on the couch but it's uncomfortable there.

This line makes no sense, either. This person “doesn’t mind” moving, yet complains that the couch is uncomfortable? Only one of those statements can be true.

The problem with trying to “Tell the reader a story,” is that, viewing it as you do, already knowing all the backstory, situational data, and more, will cause you to leave out things that are obvious to you but necessary to the reader. It causes you to use the characters as shadow-puppets who will say what you want said, not what a real person in THEIR situation and with THEIR needs and resources would say.

There is no way around it. To write fiction you need the skills that were used to create every bit of fiction you’ve chosen since you began to read, because nothing-else-works. Why else would universities offer degree programs in Commercial Fiction Writing? Why else would there be so many books on how to write effectively?

If we try to guess at how fiction is written, or use the report-writing skills of school, we’ll fall into the traps that writers have been finding ways to avoid for centuries...as you have. Every character in your story will speak with YOUR voice, not theirs. All their decisions will be YOURS, not theirs. And that cannot work, because the reader can neither hear nor see your performance, and cannot know how you expect THEM to perform as they read.

So...if your goal is to write fiction that others will want to read, you need to forget the nonfiction writing skills of school and dig into those which work for fiction—the skills the pros see as necessary.

They’re not hard to learn. And you’ll find the learning interesting—though perfecting them, as with any profession, takes time and work. But, that work is writing stories that both you and the reader will enjoy. So, what’s not to love?

Try this:

Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict is an excellent book to begin with. It’s a warm easy read, and will have you often saying, “Damn! That makes perfect sense. How did I not see that, myself?”

And you might check some of my articles and videos, for an overview of the “Never never never do this, issues.”

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
~ Alfred Hitchcock

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain