Collapsing

‎That empty feeling is still there. I was young, and I don't know what it is and how to explain it to someone that will make them understand. 

‎I don't talk about it. I never did. 

‎I was 17 at that time. I should know so much. 

‎At school, I keep getting terrible headaches and it affects my class because I can't focus on the lessons. 

‎On lunch break, I am always taking a nap, no, I just put my head down on my table

‎Wishing the headache to go away, but it doesn't. It's just there

‎I was crying. I don't know how to explain to the teacher why I can't lift my head up.

‎No, I don't have a fever. Just headache.

‎I don't think they will take that seriously

‎

‎The next day, I still have that headache

‎But there's something worse.

‎I keep having bad thoughts about dying.

‎I feel like I'm not enough, as a daughter, a friend, a sibling. Useless. Disposable.

‎I don't want to exist. But that would be selfish because my mother took care of me. I don't want her to feel bad that she did something wrong raising me. 

‎I just don't want to exist.

‎The pressure of life and people that they put me at my young age is what made me like this.  

‎

‎At 5 years old, I always get told to speak loud or read in front of the class.

‎So I did, even if it makes it hard for me to breathe between the sentences as I speak 

‎

‎If not my voice, it's my looks. They make fun of my face and it made me feel insecure, to hide from everyone that tried to look at my face.

‎

‎During high school, I still get bullied for my distinct features/looks. This time, I am not hurt or anything they say about me. I learned how to take everything lightly and not make it a big deal. If that's how they call it , then be it. I can't control what they think about me.

‎Then one day, I've had enough. Someone told me I was gaining weight in a way that they are making fun of it. I just stayed silent. I don't know how much mockery I can take. I did everything I could to lose weight, I started skipping meals as if it's a punishment. I didn't know it's for a short time, eventually this became toxic for me as I grow older.