Doll House

As a child Brandon Jones played dolls house and know he's living in one. Do you want to play?

It’s a humid Sunday afternoon; the fan is on high and my parents are watching the news. The simplest things can bring joy to a man even with a shattered past. My mother and father had always enforced their beliefs, never caring for the consequences that followed. My twin sister Britney was a troubled child always forcing me to play dolls and then last year she began her crime spree. Her life didn't last long, to be honest.

“Still no news on Britney Jones’s death five months ago. What are the police doing?” the T.V blared

It’s just me and my parents now. Growing up I was the last resort for my father’s family company, like he was playing house and I was his doll.

My mother enforced 5 rules that had to be followed or my father would belt me, but as the years went on it became more frequent. Father didn't need a reason because no one was going to stop him, not even Britney.

Rule 1- Speak When Spoken To

I walked up to my father looking down at him; he sat in his old arm chair.

“So father what’s on today’s agenda?” I asked but he didn't reply nor did he take any notice of my presence.

Actually he didn't speak much at all lately. Mother sat in her rocking chair but she doesn't even bother to move.

“I’ll be up stairs if you need me,” I smile but still no reply.

I sit on my sister’s old wooden bed looking down at her doll house; it’s a small replica of the one we live in. Its paint faded from years of play, windows on the second floor are cracked so many distant memories but let’s not dwell over that past. Smiling I lifted myself off the bed and got ready for dinner. Walking in the bathroom to wash my hands I noticed a small pool of blood in the bathtub, looking closer the red mess had dried.

“For a clean freak mother sure is getting lazy” I say to myself

Rule 2- Respect Your Elders

I place dinner on the table and begin to help my parents over to their seats one by one. I dressed them up for the occasion, mother in a red dress and father in his best suit.

“Tonight I shall sit at the head of the table, any objections,” I smiled taking father’s usual seat.

“No reply; I’ll take that as a yes, now eat up” A silence filled the room as I sliced into my rear steak

Rule 3- Obey All Instructions Immediately No If, But’s Or Maybe’s

Once I had finished dinner, I noticed both mother and father hadn't touched their meals.

“I told you to eat; clearly you can’t obey your own rules,” I giggled taking the plates to the sink.

Taking my seat once again, I cross my hands and lean over the table. A smile covers my face, my inner voice saying “It finally feels good to have the upper hand!”

Rule 4- Tell The Truth

  “So father, did it feel good to belt me? Did it bring you joy or make you feel powerful?” Father just sat there, no movement, no sound.

“What about you mother? After all, the rules were your idea,” My smile grows, yet no answer is spoken.

“I always told the truth but your whole existence is a lie!” I yell, slamming my fist down on the table.

Rule 5- Take Responsibility For Your Actions

Silence surrounded me as my anger lifted, whispers could be heard from outside. A swat team barged though the door, several gun barrels pointing to me.

“You’re under arrest for the murder of Britney Joans” an officer declared.

While I was being handcuffed a woman comes into my view, she walked into the house. The officer walked me out to their car and opened the door for me. While looking back at my childhood home, the woman I caught a glimpse of came towards me.

“Brandon Jones you are now under arrest for the murder of Britney, Paul and Tania Jones. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed for you. Do you understand?” the woman smiled

That night I was taken to an interrogation room. The Woman walked in.

“I’m Detective Adrianna Davis,” So Brandon Jones your 21 years of age and you are being charged with three counts of murder. Why did you commit such a crime?” she waited for a reply

  “I survived the five rules, but my parents didn't,” I said.

Adrianna left the room, a moment later I stood up facing the glass.

 “Hey Detective, as a child I played dolls house.”

“Now I’m living in one.”

“Do you want to play?”

Author's Note

This is my first crime story, it's also my English assignment.
Hope you like it :)

Reviews

[Princess_of_Shadows]

i loved it, it was good i got goosebumps reading it what did you get for english for that assessment and by the way your grammar was good with a couple spelling mistakes over all it was amazing i love the twist you should write an other one :D
To do with brandon jones and the detective
yours is much better than mine
~Princess_Of_Shadows~

[Renvek]

Howdy,

Overall this is a good story start, your grammar was good with few mistakes. It was readable and had an ending that makes a person think so good job!

In your first paragraph:

It’s a humid Sunday afternoon; the fan is on high and my parents are watching the news. The simplest things can bring joy to a man even with a shattered past. My mother and father had always enforced their beliefs, never caring for the consequences that followed. My twin sister Britney was a troubled child always forcing me to play dolls and then last year she began her crime spree. Her life didn't last long, to be honest.

“Still no news on Britney Jones’s death five months ago. What are the police doing?” the T.V blared

You are telling us more than showing us what is going on. It is something we all have to work on and as a benefit the story gets to grow from these humble beginnings into a decent length short story.

So here is a sample re-write of what I mean by you are telling us versus showing us.

The fan is going but it isn't cooling it very much with the warm humid weather penetrating the house. I can hear the T.V. blaring in the background and it soothes my nerves the way it always does because it is my parents routine and they need their routine. It is the simple things that can bring joy to a man especially a man with a broken past. My parents had always enforced their beliefs and rules on my sister and I without looking out for the consequences of what they were doing. My twin sister Brittany and I used to play with her doll house, but she always seemed troubled and angry. Eventually her anger turned into shoplifting and other crimes, her life didn't last too long that way.

The ramblings of the News anchor catches my attention for a moment. "The police still say there is no more news in the Brittany Jones case. In an interview last week her parents were in a state of shock and asked for privacy while they dealt with the loss of their daughter. The police say they are following leads but no arrests have been made in the case. In other news ..." the sound faded into the background again.

I tried not to change too much but I wanted to give you a sense of how you could re-work it and improve on it by showing and telling what is going on around the character. It builds a better audio visual approach. If by chance he killed his parents shortly after the interview it would also make sense for him to mention the smell and have the ability to make another disrespectful remark to his mother about her lack of cleaning causing the house to smell. Just a thought.

I still think this is a thought provoking story and I hope you edit it to bring it up to it's potential.

Renvek.

[Ana D S M]

Good character development, good structure and flow.
Good storyline. I enjoyed this very much. You have talent.

[Rochelle]

thank you very much

[Dillon]

This short story has a very interesting twist in it. I love the ending of it. Keep writing more, Belle.

[Rochelle]

thanks for your comment

[Dillon]

Your welcome, Belle.