smile

you said a little something on our date– it stuck with me.

On our first date you said,
"I don't really want to date
anyone with issues."

A stake runs through my being, 
but I laugh like I just heard a joke. 
"How judgmental of you!"

You dial it back, awkward laughter
fills the air. "No, I meant...
someone who wouldn't help
or take care of themself.
I saw it happen to Matel--" your best friend
who grew worn of their depressed ex 
and broke it off-- "and saw how hard it was.
I don't want that for me."

I shrug,
playfully, 
so you don't see the doubts
playing through my head,
the many, many judgments
I've reserved for my own situation, 
the quiet resolve
that you would be no more
than a friend, "I know."
I agree.
Eyes far away from this conversation
even as I stare straight into yours.
"It is tough 
when they can't help themself, no?"



Days pass and we keep talking. 
We plan a date, schedule another. 

Beautiful places, 
wonderful sights. 

Lots of walking,
even more good food, and I 
look happy. 

I always do. 


Even as I hold my tongue back
to tell you how my week has been, 
I look happy. 

Even as I skirt around the difficult conversations, 
drop hints of strife, my smile
is as bright as the sunset we watched 
from atop of that hill. 

Like a striking red lipstick
taking your eyes away 
from the rest of the wear and the tear.


And I don't know how well it works
the smile nor the lipstick --
but you ask me no questions
and we keep with the dates. 

an orange sunset
a green morning, 
and a sweaty sticky afternoon go by.

we find ourselves
at the back of your car
underneath the night sky. 

the air is clean
and the breeze feels cool on my skin.

i close my eyes
and i take in the calm of the night. 

1-minute
2-minute,
three minutes go by. 

i lean my head against your shoulder,
cool, comfortable, steady,

and you ask, 

"have you ever thought
about being together?"

1-heartbeat
2-heartbeat,
three heartbeats pass. 


"no"  "and why not?"

"you couldn't handle all of my issues."

"and why do you say that?"








1-second
2-second,
three seconds pass. 


i try to spit out the words,
the sentences, the essays to explain
the tide pools in my heart, 
the hurricanes in my soul.





1-second
2-second------I can't even let three seconds pass. 

i look straight into your eyes, 
and shove it all down with yet another smile.