Loving Fiercely

This is the end that sparked my beginning

I'm sitting here lost. Unsure where to begin and how to put what I've been feeling into words. I'm usually great at writing how I feel. This is different. This is a feeling that I've never felt before. Sadness, depression, loneliness, these are all emotions I have come to understand. Grief is strange, complicated, and at times debilitating.
The past month has been a game changer. I went from holding on with all my might, to being angry because you were disappearing again to now. Now, there are days where the sadness and hurt knock the breath out of me. Where eating is as much as I can do. I go to the house and look around at all the boxes and feel your presence. Not fully able to grasp that you will never be the one helping me make it a home. That your days of wandering and being so carefree were soon to be replaced with being a family man. I never was going to take your spirit. I was loving you with open arms. Allowing you to do what was best for your soul. I was finding contentment with being the homemaker. Taking on all responsibility and building this life. But things changed. It hit me in the face that you aren't meant to be a family man. At least not with the one I've already begun.
This fact hurts more than I knew it would. Like knives being stabbed into my stomach. We've been here numerous times. The place where I'm screaming I'm done, you saying you'll change, and life is amazing for a month or so. Then something arises and you can't deal. You become distant, controlling, then disappear. I never knew if an innocent statement would make you leave. When I needed you the most, others were more important. My needs and wants became like a ghost. They made their presence known at times but they were never truly seen. This time is different. I don't reply when you message and when you say to hang on, that you've changed. I feel tired and all my energy can't make me go back to trying for us.
I gave it a try for almost 15 years. I poured my heart and soul into us and it was never enough. I changed everything I could until I became a version of myself that was almost perfect for you. I looked away from the drinking, the lies. And disrespectful behaviour. I was there when it was convenient and let your needs and wants be met. I look around and don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. How to identify myself. What my next move should be. I gave that all too you. Supporting everything you did. Making sure my time was devoted to you. You always loved saying you were like a soldier that had been deployed. Well, like so many others, to me you are a fallen soldier. A love that's never going to return home. Leaving me alone, trying to figure out what to do next.
None of this was my plan. I saw us getting married, me giving birth to your son, and growing old together. The thought of the life that will never be, got me through you being distant. But now, it is what paralyzes me. It's the thing that makes this dullness in me ache. All the good memories flood my vision daily. The laughter, kisses, hugs, anything that would make my heart soar fills me with sorrow. I have to shake my head to make the vision fade away. The memory leaves and I'm left with hurt.
Only until you experience the odd feeling will you understand it. Death is the ultimate way of saying goodbye. You know where the remains lay or the ashes are scattered. You find peace knowing the one you loved is resting well. But what about when someone dies but not in the literal sense? This person continues to walk the earth in physical form. If you want, you can call them up. Show up at their place. Kiss their lips. Hold their hand. But you can't. There's a part of you, not just your mind, but your soul telling you, they're dead. They will never be yours again. It's time to look ahead and begin your new life. So that's what you do. Take it one day at a time. If a day breathing is all you can do, then so be it.
Some days I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin again and I smile. It's a fleeting moment but I get that glimmer of hope. Hope that I'll be able to continue after our death. Something i never thought I would see. Since I was 15, there was barely a day I didn't think of you. That just you being near was all I wanted. It's hard for me to swallow that I'm saying goodbye. That I'm leaving us behind in order to start a new life. That the thing I dreamt of and even wished for is gone. I never thought I would get to this point. I've lost all hope that we will have a happily ever after together.
I don't want you to fight for us or try to show me you're a different man. Instead, I want you to begin a new life. Truly become who you want to be. This isn't a letter telling you what will make me happy or what needs to change. This is a goodbye letter. So I can say what I need and to move on with out you. It pains me to say those words too you.
Don't ever doubt what we had or the love I had for you. I loved you with everything and I loved you fiercely.