Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

I stare at the soup I chose for my lunch. It doesn't seem as appealing as it did two minutes ago. I stir my spoon around the bowl, stalling for time. I know I should probably eat. The last time I ate was a few crackers at dinner last night. But somehow I just don’t want to. I can’t get my mind off training. I only have two days now.

Training went really well yesterday. I should be on track to be ready for the attack. But it doesn’t feel that way. I want to train more, to be better. But when I protested to Amelia, she told me to go each some lunch. Get some food in me.

And look how that’s going, I think to myself. I take a small sip of my meager bowl of soup, but everything seems to remind me of wasted time. Sleeping, eating, free time? Those don’t exist anymore. Any time I attempt to do anything, my mind shoots back to training.

Leon, Vex, and Maryn all sit next to me, yet I can’t ever seem to focus on what they’re saying. All I can hope is that they forget to address me. Thankfully, the only thing anyone’s said to me today is “hi.”

After a few more sips, I can’t handle it anymore. I have enough nutrients in me to make it through the day by now. That’s all lunch should be to me at this point.

I scan everyone’s faces, eventually landing on Leon’s. Perhaps he’d like some of my soup. I can’t be certain, but the soup is orange and has some seeds, leading me to believe it’s pumpkin-flavored. Leon would probably like this. After all, he loved that pumpkin pie.

I nudge it toward him, giving a soft smile, “Hey, Lemon. Wanna finish this off for me?”

Finishing it off is an understatement. The bowl is still practically full, but I skip over that fact.

However, he shakes his head, pushing the bowl back toward me. He turns back to whatever conversation he and Vex are having.

“You’re not going to eat it?” Maryn asks me with a frown.

“Yeah, I had a pretty big breakfast,” I say, brushing it off.

She narrows her eyes, “I don’t remember seeing you here this morning.”

I shrug, lying through my teeth, “I woke up kinda late�" no one was here except a janitor.”

She still looks suspicious, so I get up from the bench, “Anyway, I’m gonna go. One of you guys can finish that,” I say, nodding to the soup, “It’s a little cold, but…” I don’t really know what I’m saying. Excuse, that’s what I want, “… but yeah. See you guys later.”

I hear a loud screech on the floor as I go to make my escape. Maryn brushes beside me, and I withhold a sigh. Now she’s chasing me, too.

“Thought we could walk to training together, since I’m done with lunch and the boys seem to be talking about something with each other,” she says with a roll of her eyes.

I don’t answer. Fine, she can walk with me. But I’m not going to talk. Whenever I seem to talk, people give me a worried look. And I hate that. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong!

I glance over and find her staring. I glare at her, “What?”

She frowns, “Sorry, you just seem… I don’t know… Different,” she pauses, “Did something happen…? Are you doing okay?”

“I’m fine,” I snap.

The look of a wounded animal crosses her face, “Sorry�" was it something I said?”

I sigh, pinching my nose, “No, it wasn’t. Sorry, I didn’t mean to be cross with you.”

Genuinely, I do feel sorry. Maryn was the first person I trusted here, and she’s really done nothing wrong to me. I shouldn’t be taking my anger out on her. She’s done so much to make me feel at home here, and what have I done? Mope and be pathetic?

We walk a little more before I quietly say, “Thanks, by the way.”

She furrows her brows, “For what?”

“For making me feel so… at home here. Even at the beginning, you tried to make me feel welcome,” I explain.

She smiles, “Oh, that was no trouble. It’s been nice, having another girl here my age.”

I never thought of that before, “Aren’t there, like, volunteers our age?”

She shrugs, “Well, yeah. But we rarely see them. Only at lunch, and even then, they seem to separate themselves from Vex and me. I think they’re just afraid of our powers but…” she sighs, “It’s hard to be friends with them, that’s all.”

I purse my lips. To be alone like that… I can’t fathom it. I’ve always been surrounded by my peers, and, yeah, I wasn’t friends with any of them, but it was nice to have the company.

“Which is why I’m always so worried for you because,” she says, her eyes glistening, “because you’re my only friend.”

“I’m fine, though,” I mumble.

“You’re not!” she says angrily, “I can tell, Rose. You’re not talking to anyone, I never see you at meals anymore�" what is going on? Why won’t you tell me?!”

“It’s nothing,” I say, trying to get away from her now. 

This is what I get for talking. Anger and worry. They can never leave me alone, can they? I’m fine. I have a plan. And I need to train�" she’s distracting me!

Why is she still following me?!

She grabs my arm, and I rip it away.

“Get away from me!” I screech.

“I’m not! I’m not going away!” she yells, grabbing back on, “You’re pushing everyone away�" not me, Rose! I won’t let you! I can help you�"”

“I don’t need help! I’m doing fine on my own! I don’t need you! I don't need anyone.”

This makes her flinch. Her grip loosens, and I finally get away from her.

“Rose�"” she chokes out, “Rose, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have yelled�"”

“Yeah, well, you did,” I snap back, “And you can’t take that back.”

She sniffs, “Wish I could…”

With that, she disappears in front of me. At first, I’m shocked. I immediately run back, feeling around for her. Did she turn invisible? What happened?

“Maryn?” I say, my voice and body quivering.

And then, at that moment, she appears. Right in the same spot she was standing.

“What�"” I say in shock, taking a step back.

She shrugs, hugging her arms, “It’s my power. Time traveling.”

Immediately, anger touches my tongue, “Why would you do that to me?! Right after we argued, too! I thought you were gone!”

She takes a light breath, “Sorry… I did it on instinct. I don’t know why. Shouldn’t have,” she sighs, rubbing her arm with her thumb, “I guess… mentioning the past made me want to show you. That I would, if I could.”

I frown, suddenly curious, “Why can’t you?”

She looks down, “I can only travel into the future. Not the past, not the present.”

I roll my eyes, “What? Is it a moral rule you set for yourself?”

Her eyes widen, “No, no, it’s not,” she rushes, trying to add important details, “What I’m trying to show, Rose, is�" is�"”

I sigh, “Just say it, Maryn.”

She takes a deep breath, then unfolds her arms, “I’m trying to show that I care about you, Rose. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want anything terrible to happen to you. If I could travel into the past to fix my mistakes, I would.”

“And why’s that? Why can’t you?” I frown.

She purses her lips, “It’s my power limit. The extent to what I can do. Just like Vex can’t raise a spirit from the dead… I can’t travel into the past,” she pauses, then adds, “And that includes traveling back to the present. Anything I do is permanent, same as you. Last time I tried to go back… some…” she shifts her weight, “…really bad stuff happened. And… I’m telling you this ‘cause I have a feeling… you’re trying to push your limit. I don’t want you to make the mistakes I made.”

I scowl. So this is what it’s about. A sudden thought almost makes me gasp.

“Amelia told you�" didn’t she?” I say, staring daggers into her eyes.

“To-told me what?” she stutters.

I push her away forcefully, then laugh ironically, “Oh my gosh�" I can’t believe this! She’s trying to make me stop, isn’t she? She doesn’t think I can do it!”

She shakes her hands in front of her defensively, “No, that’s not it, Rose. I swear she didn’t tell me anything�"”

I grab her hand to stop her, “I don’t want to hear it,” I shake my head, my heartbeat increasing, and I flick the hand back toward her, “This is a waste of my time�" I’m going to go train.”

“Why are you training so much? Rose, please just tell me!” she says, running after me.

“I only have so much time�" Okay?!” I yell at her, stopping in my tracks, “You guys had years to train! I had less than a week! And I’m expected to be this all-powerful, invincible soldier!” I cry out, then choke, “I’m not�" okay? That’s why I have to train my ice powers! That’s why I have to train 24/7! Because I have to�" otherwise I’m useless!”

I breathe haggardly and exhale staggeredly. Maryn stops for a while, then, noticing a door beside us, nudges me in. She closes it gently as I sit down at a desk. My entire body shakes, and I can’t seem to stop it. My eyes unfocus as reality hits me. I just told her my greatest secret… Why would I do that? To get her to stop? I guess I’ll never know. My mind’s shutting down, and suddenly, I don’t care where I am. I only feel like bursting out in tears. I can’t do this. I can’t meet their expectations. I’m shattering into millions of shards, I can feel it. I might be glass after all�" because now I’m broken beyond repair.

Maryn lifts up my chin, but all I see is her blurry silhouette as my life breaks down before me. It’s almost stunning�" how quickly it happened. How long it took for me to go insane from the pressure. I’ve seen it happen to many students in school. Those who couldn’t meet the expectations of our classes. Never thought it’d happen to me.

Maryn pulls up a chair, putting my eye-to-eye with her, “Rose, you’re not invincible.”

I almost want to laugh. Yeah, that helps. Telling me something I already know. Didn’t I specifically tell her that?

She continues, “But no one is. That doesn’t make you useless. The fact that you’re this resilient proves that. You haven’t had years to train, like us, and yet, you’ve improved so much in the past week that I can’t fathom how much progress you’ve made.”

Yeah, but that doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter that I’m talented. Doesn’t matter that I have this power. I can’t do it. I can’t be powerful enough for the attack. I still need to train, still need to gain power. I’m not enough.

My thoughts are interrupted by the bear hug Maryn gives me. I don’t give it back, my blank stare piercing the wall in front of me. I don’t want to be comforted. Comfort shows that I’m weak. That I need protection. And something reminds me I’m not supposed to be weak. I’m not fragile. I’m not a flower wilting. I’m not a glass pane. I’m a soldier. A soldier doesn’t need comfort.

I finally hug her back, but only so she stops. I’ve run out of tears to cry now. There’s none left in me, even if I wanted to.

I smile at her, the gesture so contradictory to what I feel right now, but very necessary, “Thanks, Maryn. I feel better now.”

She pulls back, giving me a genuine smile, “Glad to hear it,” a crease bestows her brow, “You sure you’re okay?”

I nod insistently, “Yes, I’m sure. I know what to do now.”

She sighs happily, “Good. Just… don’t be afraid to talk to me if anything comes up, okay?”

“Mhm,” I say with fake enthusiasm.

“Still want to walk to training together? I can drop you off in your training room, if you want,” she says hesitantly.

Just so she doesn’t worry, I agree.

~ • • • ~

I sit in my training room, still processing what I need to do. Funnily, Maryn’s intent on comforting me only made me more determined to be strong. How strange and ironic.

I still only have two days.

The thought hits me like a bullet to the chest. How am I going to train in time? What am I going to do?

I glance up from the floor and gasp. A little water bubble floats beside me. I look for where it could have come from, my hint being an empty glass. I tentatively reach my hand out to it, holding it like a gelatinous ball. It feels soothing, warm. Comforting. Comparing this to Maryn’s attempt makes me chuff. Human connection can’t comfort me, but water can. Is that strange of me?

I roll the ball around in my hands as it seems to give me a warm hug. I form it into a stream and play with it a bit before it splashes to the ground. It seeps into the wood before dissipating.

I sit on my knees for a while, staring at the ground. I continue doing this until I shake myself back into reality. I don’t have time to be doing this. I have to use every minute I’ve got to train.

I pick myself off the ground, the movement causing substantial fatigue to my legs. Breathing heavily, a thought comes to me. Right, I haven’t eaten a good meal in a while. No matter, it’s too late to head back to the cafeteria. The only thing I should be doing right now is focusing on my power.

So I grab the cup, rush to the river for some water, and start training again.