June 12,16:00

A Chapter by swiftie17

(Author's note:This is a continuation of my first book!) Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!! The school bell finally rings.

Two more years till I'm out of this place for good.

God,there's such a long line to the bus.

I'm finally near the front when I see two guys in front of me who look like they're never gonna finish talking.

I must have been breathing on his shoulder a little too noticeably, because the guy in front of me turns around and says,"Go ahead, Ari.Ladies first."

Alex.My ex-guy best friend,who I haven't spoken to in a year.

I try to come up with a retort like,"Maybe if you put your lady first, you'd still have a girlfriend."But suddenly, a tiny voice in my head whispers,He was your friend after all.He was the first to comfort you when anything bad happened ,and now you're gonna do this to him?You might need to be tough to be a spy, but not completely emotionless.

After all these thoughts running through my head in the span of less than a second,I respond to him with a warm, sincere "Thanks,Alex," and quickly sit down beside Zara near the front.

"He's into you,"Zara says as I settle down.

"Zara,how many times have I told you that he's got a freaking girlfriend?"

"Correction.He used to have a girlfriend, but they broke up this morning.I wonder why?"

"Because they wanted to go their separate ways in life.News travels fast here."

"Yeah,and Alex wanted to go your way.Plus,he literally let you go in front of the line like,a minute ago."

"Um,that's just what you're supposed to do, he said it himself."Ladies first",what do you think that could even mean?"

"Yeah,you probably don't know that he doesn't treat other girls this way, even his friend Olivia.She was literally standing in the same spot near the front of the line for five whole minutes yesterday.And Alex saw her."

"The role of the hopeless romantic in our duo has changed in a year,I see."

"Yeah,it has.Anyway,aren't you excited to go on your very first FBI mission?'Cause I know I am!"

"Yeah,and it's literally NYC!And we're staying at the Plaza Hotel!"

"I know, right!"

"It's not gonna be all sunshine and rainbows though, so I can't believe my mom's letting us go !"

"You're mom's cool,she was literally the rebel of her family,right?"

"Yeah,she eloped with my American dad and became a fashion designer!I still can't believe she accepted the fact we're going to be spies, though ."

"Moving in with you guys after my parents divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me." Zara says wistfully."I found an amazing new family, and I got out of my parents' toxic behavior towards me."

"Aww,I'm also glad you're living with me now."

next chapter

© 2025 swiftie17

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JayG

• Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!!

1. What in the pluperfect hells is this supposed to mean to the reader who just arrived? They don’t know where they are in time or space. They don’t know what’s going on. And, they don’t know whose skin we wear. So...while you “hear” the sound, the reader has 9 meaningless letters. The problem with that is that a confused reader is one who is turning away right-then, because confusion cannot be retroactively removed.
2. You seem to have missed a significant point or two in school: First is that we place a period between all sentences. And second, that a sentence ends in one punctuation. If the greats could get by with one so can you, because the excitement belongs in the words, not the punctuation.

• Two more years till I'm out of this place for good.

So...two more years and someone unknown, of unknown age, gender, background, and situation will leave an unknown place for good? Give me one reason a reader would care. Context isn't just necessary, it's EVERYTHING. Your goal is to make the reader LIVE the events, not hear about them secondhand.

As you read this, you hear the storyteller’s voice—your voice—filled with the emotion a reader can’t-know-to-place-there. You know who’s speaking, and what motivated them to speak. So it works...for you.

• God,there's such a long line to the bus.

Assume the reader has continued reading to this point, and figured out that we’re at some school, with two more years to go before moving on to another school, job, or what have you. Why would a reader care how long the line to get on a bus to an unknown place is? That’s not story, it’s detail. As the great Alfred Hitchcock puts it: “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” And, readers want drama, not detail.

You’ve been caught in four VERY common writers' traps:

The first is that you’re visualizing events, as if watching a film, and then talking about what YOU see, without giving the reader that picture or making them care.

The second is that you, uniquely, begin reading already knowing the setting, the characters, their backstory, and what’s about to happen. So you have context the reader lacks.

Third is that storytelling is a PERFORMANCE art, where how you tell the story—your performance—matters as much as what you say, because it’s that performance that provides the emotions. So..what you're giving the reader is your storyteller’s script, leaving them without a clue of how you want it performed.

When you read it? The storyteller’s voice is filled with emotion the reader can’t know to place there. Have your computer read it to you, to hear what the reader does.

And finally, you’ve forgotten something we all miss when we turn to writing: You know you can’t write a screenplay without knowing a lot more about that profession. You know you can’t write as a journalist without knowing that profession. But the pros make writing fiction seem so natural and easy that we forget there’s a profession—Commercial Fiction Writing—that’s been under refinement and expansion for centuries. And it has because NOTHING ELSE WORKS. Learn those skills and you stand on the shoulders of giants. Skip that and you rediscover all the traps...never noticing it happen.

So, it’s not about talent or how well you write. It’s that like everything else, you need to learn HOW to do it. But that’s okay because the learning is interesting, and the practice? Writing stories that you, and the reader, will like a LOT better.

So, grab a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, and dig in. You’ll be amazed at how often you’ll say, “But...that’s so obvious. How did I never notice that?”

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

Also...for an overview of the traps and gotchas, you might check a few of my articles and YouTube videos.

But whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

- - - - - - - - - -

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

Beware of advice—even this.
~ Carl Sandburg

Always be yourself…unless you suck
~ Joss Whedon

Posted 9 Months Ago

• Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!!Cringgggg!!!

1. What in the pluperfect hells is this supposed to mean to the reader who just arrived? They don’t know where they are in time or space. They don’t know what’s going on. And, they don’t know whose skin we wear. So...while you “hear” the sound, the reader has 9 meaningless letters. The problem with that is that a confused reader is one who is turning away right-then, because confusion cannot be retroactively removed.
2. You seem to have missed a significant point or two in school: First is that we place a period between all sentences. And second, that a sentence ends in one punctuation. If the greats could get by with one so can you, because the excitement belongs in the words, not the punctuation.

• Two more years till I'm out of this place for good.

So...two more years and someone unknown, of unknown age, gender, background, and situation will leave an unknown place for good? Give me one reason a reader would care. Context isn't just necessary, it's EVERYTHING. Your goal is to make the reader LIVE the events, not hear about them secondhand.

As you read this, you hear the storyteller’s voice—your voice—filled with the emotion a reader can’t-know-to-place-there. You know who’s speaking, and what motivated them to speak. So it works...for you.

• God,there's such a long line to the bus.

Assume the reader has continued reading to this point, and figured out that we’re at some school, with two more years to go before moving on to another school, job, or what have you. Why would a reader care how long the line to get on a bus to an unknown place is? That’s not story, it’s detail. As the great Alfred Hitchcock puts it: “Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.” And, readers want drama, not detail.

You’ve been caught in four VERY common writers' traps:

The first is that you’re visualizing events, as if watching a film, and then talking about what YOU see, without giving the reader that picture or making them care.

The second is that you, uniquely, begin reading already knowing the setting, the characters, their backstory, and what’s about to happen. So you have context the reader lacks.

Third is that storytelling is a PERFORMANCE art, where how you tell the story—your performance—matters as much as what you say, because it’s that performance that provides the emotions. So..what you're giving the reader is your storyteller’s script, leaving them without a clue of how you want it performed.

When you read it? The storyteller’s voice is filled with emotion the reader can’t know to place there. Have your computer read it to you, to hear what the reader does.

And finally, you’ve forgotten something we all miss when we turn to writing: You know you can’t write a screenplay without knowing a lot more about that profession. You know you can’t write as a journalist without knowing that profession. But the pros make writing fiction seem so natural and easy that we forget there’s a profession—Commercial Fiction Writing—that’s been under refinement and expansion for centuries. And it has because NOTHING ELSE WORKS. Learn those skills and you stand on the shoulders of giants. Skip that and you rediscover all the traps...never noticing it happen.

So, it’s not about talent or how well you write. It’s that like everything else, you need to learn HOW to do it. But that’s okay because the learning is interesting, and the practice? Writing stories that you, and the reader, will like a LOT better.

So, grab a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, and dig in. You’ll be amazed at how often you’ll say, “But...that’s so obvious. How did I never notice that?”

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

Also...for an overview of the traps and gotchas, you might check a few of my articles and YouTube videos.

But whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles:  https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos:  https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

- - - - - - - - - -

“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
 ~ Mark Twain

Beware of advice—even this.
~ Carl Sandburg

Always be yourself…unless you suck
~ Joss Whedon

Rating /100